


I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend

by writemoretranscharacters



Category: Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Desolation Row, Alternate Universe - High School, Drugs, Dysphoria, FTM Mikey Way, Internalized Homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Punk! Mikey, Religious Conflict, Suicidal Thoughts, trans character written by an actual trans person, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7598896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writemoretranscharacters/pseuds/writemoretranscharacters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Catholic raised- problem child Pete gets moved into public school for the first time. There he learns he needs to widen his thoughts and what is acceptable. When he meets Mikey, a punk who shows him new experiences and different lifestyles; he realizes maybe his old way of thinking wasn't his at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuckmylife666

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I have this posted elsewhere and decided to post it again here. Plus I wanted to write a trans fic. I would love some comments. Sorry this is short. More to come.

If anyone remembers all those stories about people who bought alligators then threw them into lakes with aggressive predators after years of isolating them, they would know what it's like to go to a private school then get forced into a public high school half way through junior year.

Public school is brutal and the people here are much different than the Catholics Pete was used to. Girls and boys wore less clothes that were more destroyed and brighter. In his first period class right now there was a really tall spanish boy dressed in all neon, a black haired girl in a plaid mini skirt and leather jacket, a goth looking boy with bright pink hair, and Pete. He almost didn't fit in because he didn't look weird.

Compared to the punk guy Pete was sitting next to his clothes were completely vanilla, and even his messy black hair was boring. 

He wasn't trying to say he was scared of the punk boy, because he totally was not (maybe a little), but he did have an intimidating look to him. From what Pete could count he had at least 5 piercings that he could see, a tight dog collar around his neck, all black skintight clothes, slightly feminine features like long lashes, and when he leaned forward Pete could see a tattoo under his ripped band shirt. He was rather scary, but after sitting next to him for two weeks Pete was used to being scared by him.

 

"Hey, Mr. Rogers." he mumbled, looking over at Pete with his piercing green eyes, making the shorter boy jump a little.

"Wh-what?" Pete stuttered, shakily looking up at him.

"What time is this over?"

He checked his phone wondering why the punk guy couldn’t, "9:30."

"Thanks."

"My last name isn't Rogers." Pete shot back, sinking down in his chair.

"I know. I was making fun of your sweater." he stated with a blank expression.

"Oh."

"I'm Mikey."

Pete nodded back awkwardly as he stared up the board. He really needed to pay attention to this lesson. It was on something about climate change maybe? Or biomes? Or- okay he wasn't paying attention. He knew it was about the environment- or maybe not the environment, but like living things?- it was biology though so obviously it was about living things. Pete was screwed if they were tested on this.  
Mikey wasn't help his focus at all. He was taping both his thick black boots and pencil to the wrong beat. Pete clenched his jaw at the sound.  
Mikey always did it during class and it made the impossible lessons all the more hard.

 

"I don't know if you've ever talked to people before, but this is usually the part where you tell me your name." Mikey said.  
His voice was weird with slight cracks in it. The only way Pete could think of describing was bumpy. It was almost a lisp with his Jersey accent. People always said some people had smooth voices, but Mikey definitely didn’t.

"I-I- uh- Pete- I'm Pete. Wentz."  
Who was Pete to judge voices when he stuttered through everything?

"Pete." he repeated like his trying to remember it. Then he went back to tapping.

Pete just nodded and let it be quiet between them again since they were in class. This is exactly what his parents thought he was going to be doing if he went to public school. He would talk to what his parents would call ‘undesirables’ instead of paying attention. He tried to for a while before he remembered Mikey was being rude to him before.

"What's wrong with my sweater?" Pete mumbled, making him look up from where he was drawing on his notes.

"Huh?"

"You told me you were making fun of it before, what's wrong with it?"

He chuckled quietly and shook his head, "Nothing, Pete. It's real neato, dude."

 

Mikey never spoke to Pete out of class. Then again, the only person that ever did was a neon-wearing giant named Gabe. But he only talked to Pete during Civics so he could copy his work, and sometimes he would hang out with Pete in Spanish, but they sat together so he had no other choice. Some guy named Travie hung out with Pete since they both volunteered at the same Boys and Girls Club.  
Pete was used to not having friends and he was fine with it. What he wasn't expecting was someone to actually want to be his friend.

And the last person he was expecting to want friendship was Mikey.


	2. Problem Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete knew he fucked things up and that he was just an all around fuck up in general. He didn't need to be told what his brain already said to him. He wanted feel better- if not better, then just different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured I'd post another chapter. The first few chapters are mainly focused on Pete. Each chapters title is a different punk or rock song. The first one was Fuckmylife666 by Against Me and this one is Problem Child by AC/DC.

Pete kept his head down at school out of safety. He had some issues with bullying at his old school. He was always different than the boys at Catholic school. He was shorter, different looking, and too black for the white kids, but not black enough as well. Fitting in wasn’t exactly what he was good at.  
Even without the dreadlocks and stories about sneaking out; no one wanted to talk to him. He thought he looked alright despite Mikey's Mr. Rogers joke. New Jersey was cold, sweaters were important.   
He ate lunch in the library for almost a month. It wasn't until a random day that Travie went to print out a paper that was due NEXT PERIOD (he could practically hear his dad saying ‘seriously, Travis? You’re better than this’) and found Pete doing the homework he got that day. Being the nice guy Travie was, he sat down with Pete and questioned him.  
After finding out that Pete really didn’t have friends or know how to make friends, he invited Pete to hang out with him- at least at lunch- Travie was a nice guy, but Pete was kind of weird and an outcast.

Pete was an outcast in every sense of the word. Even out home, just living with two parents, he felt like one.  
He disappointed his mom for not being more involved with the church. Just volunteering was not enough for her. His dad was disappointed that he was no longer the star of the soccer team and planned on not even trying to be again.  
‘You’re ruining your life, Peter! I didn’t raise a quitter!’ he had yelled when Pete told him he wasn’t playing anymore.

It was just easier to keep to himself. Letting people down was second nature to Pete- actually more like first nature since he did it so often.  
‘Peter’s just so angry all the time.’ his mom would tell her own mother, Pete’s teachers, guidance counselors, priest, and doctor. She’d plead over the phone, asking what can be done to fix his anger. She was sick of replacing mirrors that were shattered out of anger and self hatred.  
His dad didn’t mind the anger since ‘voicing your opinion makes you a man’. It was laziness that pissed him off. Yeah Pete did chores, volunteer, and work, but he mostly slept in his free time. Even that damned white dog he had once begged for hadn’t been walked in weeks.  
When that "bad kid" boot camp the priest pointed them to didn't work, they just kept dragging him to doctors. They heavily medicated him to control his 'freak outs' and keep him quiet. Quiet was key.  
That's all they wanted. A quiet boy that followed their rules and did what they ask. It wasn't so much to ask for.

Pete knew he fucked things up and that he was an all around fuck up in general. He didn't need to be told what his brain already said to him. He wanted feel better- if not better, then just different.  
Something different for him would be having friends. If only he could try.


	3. Outcast Stomp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey was a man and he would live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short update. sorry. the next one will be longer and have actual talking and shit. enjoy  
> also if you read this on the other site it was one youd know it was much different this one is better written  
> title: Outcast Stomp- GLOSS

Mikey was a man. The F on his driver's license could fuck off- Actually a lot of things could fuck off: back pain from binding, those trips to the hospital when he messes up his testosterone injection (again), his goddamn voice that cracked, the weird feeling he got when he wasn’t wearing a packer, his stupid hour glass figure, h- okay so everything was annoying about being trans and all of it should just fuck off.

But he was a man, saying transgender man was just adding an adjective to the title. It meant almost nothing.   
That’s what his friend’s and mom said at least.

His mom held him against her when he would shake and cry, just trying to tell him that he wasn’t a mistake. There was a reason he was trans, she would tell him.   
Gerard told him that being trans was a small part of him. He was a musician first and transgender like- at least fourth. 

Gabe had known him since before he was even called Mikey and he had heard the paranoia a million times before. Gabe told his friend that he could grow up to be a speaker for the community. ‘Come on, Mikes. How many famous trans guys can you name?’ he asked to which Mikey said none. Gabe pointed out that his band’s Instagram had over 10k followers so that meant to over ten thousand people Mikey was a punk icon. He was a transgender man and a punk icon to most of New England.   
That helped Mikey sleep at night for a while at least. 

 

Mikey would freak out often in a pit of anxiety or paranoia. It could range from him thinking everyone was staring at him and that they all knew, to him scratching his neck and chest until it was just ripped red skin because he just felt so damn gross.   
He was fine though. There’s nothing wrong with being trans. Hell, Laura Jane Grace murdered gender when she burnt her birth certificate.   
He would live.


	4. C11 H17 N2 O2 S Na

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short again but im updating in a minute. next time theyll be dialog i swear. i keep adding filler and details im not sure why but i enjoy writing this. also if there are typos im sorry but im editing this myself  
> comments and kudos are encouraged. 
> 
> title by anthrax

Science had never been Mikey’s favorite class. He loved english for the literature and the fact that he was good at writing. He liked math because all you had to do was remember formals and solve. In spanish he had Gabe to tell him the answers when he did know and the history they learned in that class was interested. The only good thing about civics was that he could argue about politics.   
But science? Especially biology?   
Boring bullshit he was never going to use.  
What bassist is also known for being a biologist? Honestly. 

Then Pete switched into Belleville High. Suddenly biology was the best subject of the day.   
Pete was tiny but buff, with wide brown eyes and an amazing smile. He pulled or twirled his hair during class when he took notes and when he wasn’t he just stared off like he was asleep with his eyes open.   
But Mikey doubted he would ever sleep since he had purple ish circles that bruised through his dark skin. He always looked tired.   
‘How does someone look so tired, but so hot at the same time?’ Mikey thought about him one day. He was beginning to think something was wrong with him if he was attracted to tiredness. 

Mikey would try to make small talk with him almost everyday. But it was hard since he wasn’t the best at talking to new people, or just talking in general.   
He would ask simple questions like, “I don’t know what’s going on. Can you explain it?”  
To which Pete always said, “I barely know. But-” then he would start to explain (often the incorrect) details of the last lesson. Pete talked weird with an accent that Mikey could pin point.   
He said something about it to Gabe once and to that Gabe said “Who cares about his voice? He’s hot as fuck.” and Mikey could do nothing other than agree.

 

Gabe tried with Pete a few times. After talking twice he decided they were already friends. Even though Pete’s personality wasn’t really his type for friends. He was hot as all hell with muscles bulging everywhere (for Gabe looked once when they were changing for gym class sue him).   
It was just that Pete was quiet unless they were completely alone. He was a good kid too. He would ask if things were okay with Gabe’s dad first before doing them and would leave if Gabe and his friends were going to smoke or drink. 

 

And Pete never hooked up with anyone. Or even talked about it.

Travie and Gabe would always talk about guys or girls (just Travie) if they were bored or high. Hell, once when Pete went back to Gabe’s to get a book he was sure they were hooking up.   
Pete was glad he wasn’t there for when that happened and he felt like he needed to confess for the two of them afterwards. That was just… a sin.


	5. No Filthy Nuclear Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here ya go this one is longer than the last  
> drop me some comments and kudos
> 
> title by oi polloi

It wasn’t until about two weeks later that Mikey made a bold move at friendship.

During science one day, Pete was half asleep, staring out the window at the snow when he heard Mikey say something to the class. Pete may have be hearing things (again), but he swore it sounded like-

"Pete Wentz." Mikey was saying his name to the teacher which got his attention.

"Peter? Do you have a problem with working with Mikey?" Mr. Smith asked him.

That made Pete realize they were going over a project assignment that was now on his desk. How did he miss all that?

"Uh- n-no. That's fine." he stuttered out, looking over at Mikey who looked just- amused with Pete. He just stared straight towards the floor after that out of embarrassment.

 

Class ended and Pete went to go pack his stuff. He was planning the rest of his day when he felt Mikey pull on his sweaters shoulder. It was weirdly intimate since they barely knew each other, but it got Pete’s attention.

"Wanna come over to work on this? I'll drive you."

"Yeah... I uh- I kinda wasn't paying attention when he was explaining it."

Mikey shook his head as he put on his thick leather jacket and mumbled, "Yeah, I know... Is there not snow where you're from?"

"No. No. There is. I'm just- distracted I guess." Pete shrugged as we started to walk.

"You're distracted a lot in class. I was just surprised you chose the snow over staring at me." he gave Pete a half smile, "I guess I'm not as interesting."

He pulled on Pete's sleeve to direct the other boy all the way through the parking lot.

"Sorry, my car’s a little fucked up." he mumbled, unlocking a banged up jeep and gesturing towards it. Pete nodded and got in the passenger seat, instantly rubbing his arms from the cold. "Hey, sorry 'bout that. It's a long drive so we'll get coffee first." he started the car and cranked up the heat.

"Okay," he felt around for the seat belt before turning to actually look for it.

"No belt. Sorry. Dog chewed it. But if we crash I got you."

"Oh." Pete had nothing he could say to that but did consider telling his mom that he’ll miss her. Mikey was dangerous in general, not just because he was an attractive man apparently.

Mikey cracked open a small window as he lit a cigarette a few minutes into the drive. He hit Pete in the chest with the pack, which confused the shorter boy for a moment, "Oh- uh- no. I don't smoke."

"Do you mind if I do?"

"No. It's okay."

"Do you like coffee?"

"I don't have any money."

"That's not what I asked."

"I- uh- yeah. I like coffee."

"What's your order?" he asked as they pulled into Dunkin Donuts.

"Hazelnut with milk and sugar?"

Mikey nodded and ordered three drinks, putting one in the back cup holder and handing another to Pete.

"Thanks. You didn't have to pay." he mumbled, taking a sip.

"Nah. It's fine. Don't mention it... Uh- so like- what kind of music do you like?"

"I don't listen to a lot of music."

"Yeah, but like- when you do, what do you listen to?" Mikey pushed.

"Uh- stuff like Motion City Soundtrack, and uh- The Cab, and Death Cab for Cutie, The Killers, and Against Me! I guess."

"Oh. Uh- Against Me! are amazing. I don't really know the others and the only Killers song I know is Mr.Brightside... Ever seen any of them live?"

Considering Against Me was just a band Pete remembered from one of Mikey's shirts; of course he didn't. He just said it to seem cool.

"No. I don't go to shows a lot." or ever.

"Oh. Well, my brother loves Against Me! so we went for his birthday and Laura signed my copy of Transgender Dysphoria Blues. I've got a picture with her somewhere, she's the coolest person ever."

Mikey silently swore at himself, he knew better than to talk about trans stuff around someone who thought he was cis. Luckily Pete didn't focus on it and just kept the conversation going.

"That's awesome!... What music do you like?"

"Like punk, hardcore and I guess- goth. So like The Misfits, G.L.O.S.S., Anti-Flag, The Sex Pistols, Nirvana, Placebo, The Cure, Hole, Rob Zombie. Stuff like that."

"Oh. Uh- Nirvana? That's like Kurt Cobain, right?"

" _Yes_." he said like it was oblivious.

"Okay... And uh- I don't know any of the other ones."

"Dude. You're missing out... Do you like Anthrax?"

"I- isn't that a poison?"

"Anthrax the _band_."

"Oh."

"Remind me, I'll play you some stuff."

 

He parked and lead Pete to the door. "Mom!" he yelled, shutting the door behind them with his foot since he was carrying two coffees.

"Kitchen!" she yelled back.

"Come with me."

Pete followed him awkwardly into the kitchen, sipping on his coffee as he did. There was nothing he hated more than feeling out of place. Lately he was always feeling that way.

"Mother, coffee for you," he kissed her cheek and handed her the cup.

"Thanks, love. Who's this?" she asked looking up from the paper work she was doing at the table.

"Pete. We're working on a science project together."

"Are you working on a science project or _workingonascienceproject_?" she raised an eyebrow at him, making him lightly flick her shoulder.

It was weird how they acted towards each other. She wasn't questioning him about his school work or a job. She didn't give him a list of chores he had to have done before his dad got home. They were getting along. They were joking around together. It was just- weird.

"No. We're actually working on stuff. Biology." he rolled his eyes at the subject.

"Oh... Is he mute?" she asked, leaning into Mikey.

"No, just shy."

"Huh? Oh! Uh- h-hi, I'm P-Pete- Pete Wentz." Pete stuttered through realizing he had to talk, "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too... Shy and polite, what's he doing with you?" "

Hey!" Mikey said in defense and moved back over to Pete, "I am _so_ nice!... Just- we're gonna go work," Mikey pulled on his sweater signalling it was time to walk.

 

He dragged the shorter boy upstairs to his bedroom, making him almost spill his coffee all over himself and sigh, "Mikey, I can walk on my own."

"It's just easier to walk you like a puppy." He finally let go of Pete to unlock his bedroom door. Pete missed the contact instantly. 

"You're the one wearing the collar." Pete mumbled into his cup which made him laugh slightly.

"Maybe you need one." he said then walked into his room, leaving Pete red faced.

His room was just as weird as him, but not in a bad way. It was just different.

He had a ton of band posters Pete didn't know, two full bookshelves of cds, vinyls, books and comics, a really messy desk with art stuff on it, and an even messier floor with a few comics out, a pack of cigarettes, a crushed can of Full Throttle, and some ripped up clothes.

Mikey sat down on his bed and undid his boots, throwing them across the room, "Sit." he mumbled, patting the bed.

Pete did after toeing off his shoes so he could tuck his legs under himself. He put his backpack on the bed and unzipped it to get his science binder out for them.

"Woah. You carry a lot of shit with you." Mikey said, shocked as he looked at his notes.

"Yeah. I take a lot of notes. I gotta."

"Oh. Well, uh- you got anything on nuclear energy?"

"Yeah. Yeah!... Why? That's what you wanna do it on?" Pete asked a little confused.

"Yeah. I fuckin hate nuclear energy. Sure it doesn't pollute the air, but the fascist government just dumps the radioactive material in places that they consider abandon."

"Yeah. That's true. Uh- we can't call the government 'fascist' in a school project, but yeah, we could do that."

"Fine." Mikey agreed in an annoyed way since he didn't agree with Pete's criticism. 

Pete started to write as Mikey spoke about nuclear energy for the next hour and a half. He spoke passionately and loudly with hate in his voice. Everything he said were real facts which impressed Pete. It kept him interested as he tried to take notes of what the other boy was saying. It was hard since Mikey spoke too fast and used far too many curse words for a school paper.

 

"Seriously though if that plant in Pennsylvania had a reaction all of New Jersey would have radiation poisoning! And- and I've been talking for a long time." he sighed and stopped pacing, biting his lip ring as he did (which is the most distracting thing in the world).

"Nono. It's good. We've got a lot to work from now."

"You wrote that all down?" Mikey asked as he sat down practically on Pete so he could look at the notebook.

"Ye- yeah."

"Awesome. Now we can like fuck around since we're ahead."

"What? We c-"

"I meant like hang out." he corrected himself, realizing how Pete heard it.

"Oh. Okay... You were gonna show me that band?"

"Oh right!" he nodded and got up, grabbing his laptop before bringing it back over to them. He had large over ear headphones plugged into it so after he pressed play he put them over Pete's ears and smiled at him. Suddenly everything was tuned out and it was just the music filling Pete's head.

 

The music was loud, with heavy guitars and pounding drums. The singer had a good voice that went pretty well with the music. It wasn't what Pete was used to, but it was good. It filled him with energy and angry. It reminded him of how he felt when he was having a manic episode. Relating to music was something Pete knew people did, but he never felt that way about a song. It was new.

 

When it ended Pete smiled widely and dropped the headphones to his neck, "It's good."

That made Mikey unbelievably happy. He smiled in a way that made Pete return the gesture. "Yeah? You think?"

"Yeah. It's different, but good. We weren't really supposed to listen to music like that at my old school."

"They controlled what music you listened to? Did you go to a school in the town from FootLoose?"

"No, no. Catholic school. Boarding school for a little, but that was also Catholic."

"Oh... Why'd you leave?"

Pete sighed a little and rolled his eyes, "I got kicked out cause like- I missed too many days, skipped too many classes, just- I was bad." he looked uncomfortable talking about it as he did.

"Oh shit, dude. Well, uh now you can listen to rock music and have a homosexual relationship if you wanted." Mikey offered light heartedly.

"Oh god- I mean I guess, but **_no_**." Pete shook his head in disbelief.

"Okay… So that means you wouldn't want to come see my band play next weekend, huh?"

"No, no. I'll go... I-I didn't know you were in a band. What do you play?"

"I play bass. And yeah. I'm in my brothers band." he gestured at his instruments that were across the room, "Give me your number so I can send you the shit." he passed his phone with it open on a contact page.

"Okay. But uh- I don't have my phone after 9 on school nights and after 10 on weekends."

Mikey made a face and mumbled, "Woah. Your parents strict?"

"Yeah."

Strict was a bit of an understatement. They were nothing short of drill sergeants.

"What's your Saturday night curfew?"

"10."

That was a lie. Pete was never invited out and usually he was never allowed out. He just kind of left; often from the basement window that had long since been nailed shut. So really he didn’t know if he could stay out that late or if he could even go out.

"Oh... Do you wanna crash here so you stay out late with me?"

"Uh- sure."

"Fuckin awesome... Can I loan you a shirt or something so you like- fit in?"

"Yeah. Thanks. I dress kinda lame."

"Yeah, but it suits you."

"So you think I'm lame?" Pete gave him a look making him almost laugh.

"No, no. It's cute, dude."

Mikey called him ‘ ** _c_** ** _ute_** ’ in a serious way. Pete thought about that all night.


	6. Hate Unconditional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to update again cause I enjoy the comment I got on the last chapter. Basically I go on a little rant in this one about binders cause I wore mine for too long yesterday and basically died. If youve never worn one it might be a little shocking to hear how they feel, but yeah. Also this is my way of introducing some more characters to the story  
> Please comment and leave kudos!
> 
> Title: death spells

The ride home was a little uncomfortable, but Pete had nothing to say to Mikey and Mikey didn't seem to have anything to say to Pete.

Apparently Mikey took ‘if you have nothing important to say, don’t say anything at all’ a little too seriously and could just go mute. It was hard to believe that the same boy spent hours non stop talking about power plants just a few hours ago.

Truth be told the real reason Mikey was silent was that he was in a ton of pain. Binders were only supposed to be worn for seven hours and Mikey was on hour ten. His chest, ribs, and back were aching.

He was surprised he could still breathe even though he was taking long deep breaths. He couldn’t talk when he was in that much pain. All he could focus on was the feeling. The tight feeling trumped the awkwardness between himself and the other boy.

 

"It's this one." Pete pointed out when he saw his house.

Mikey screech to a stop, putting his hand on the other’s chest to stop him from jerking forward. "Sorry."

"It's uh- it’s fine... I'll see you on Monday." Pete mumbled getting out of the car. He was trying not to think about how warm Mikey’s hand was on him. God Pete felt like such a freak.

"Yeah. I'll text you!" he yelled before speeding away.

 

Mikey stopped at the first store parking lot he could find. After throwing his seat belt off, he put his arms in his shirt and started to work his binder off. He wasn’t even fat and it was hard to slide it over his hips.

He had learned the hard way that taking a binder off like a normal shirt was not a smart idea. He basically got stuck in it for an hour. But that was a common trans boy mistake. When binders loosen up they’re easier to put on, but don’t work as good so Mikey would rather struggle with it.

Usually when he hung out with friends he’d tell them he had to change if they were together too long. Especially on nights he had school and/or work or a show. He would try to keep it off right until the last second before he had to clock in or get on stage. Being on stage and wearing a binder was so gross and uncomfortable.

He usually wore cropped ones for shows since tanks would ride up and he couldn’t fix them. It was like working out and wearing one (a mistake every trans guy makes once then never again). He considered buying a tight sports bra and using that, but on the off chance he hooked up with someone he did not want to be seen in a bra. Plus a bra would present a whole new level of dysphoria he never knew existed.

 

Pete parents were already home and waiting for him when he arrived.

Of course they were ready to interrogate him. "So, who's your new friend?" his mom asked before he even took his shoes off. The freaking door was barley shut. She was on him before his dog was. 

"Some guy from my science class, we're doing a project on nuclear energy."

“Does he work? He had a car.” she only said that since Pete complained about loosing his car when he didn't have a job. Of course he got it back when he started working at that god awful warehouse. 

“Uh- yeah. He does. Just like retail.”

Pete actually didn’t know if that was true, but Mikey did say he had a job somewhere. His band was good, but they weren’t Green Day. He couldn’t rely on ten dollar tickets to pay for everything he bought.

So Pete was lying again. That was just another thing he needed to talk about with the priest.

"Hm… Are we going to get to meet him?"

"Maybe. It's just easier to work at his house." Pete shrugged uncomfortably, "He uh- he actually invited me to stay over next weekend though; he's doing some big movie thing and wants me there." he lied _again_.

"Oh... We'll see." his mom said, looking over at his dad who wasn’t interested in the conversation at all.

"Okay."

"Did you do your homework yet?"

"Yeah. Mikey and I did together."

"Good... Do you want dinner?"

"No, thanks. We ate."

"Okay," she looked from her soon to his dad, then back when he was done talking.

"Hi, dad."

"Peter." he gritted his teeth at him, looking up from the tv.

"How was your day?" Pete asked carefully. Lately anything could set his dad off and he didn't want to risk it.

"Fine. Your's was?"

"Good... Kinda great actually. The guy that I'm working with on the project is really into the topic, so we're gonna d-"

"Peter, I'm kinda watching something." he said and turned up the volume over him.

"Don't," his mother snapped at her husband.

"Ma, it's fine. I was just saying-" his dad made a noise again making him sigh, "I'm gonna go to my room."

Pete’s dad hated him. It was fine. He didn’t really need a good relationship with his father. Most people didn’t get along with their dads. He was just a normal kid.

The only weird thing was that his dad actually hated him.

 

Like most nights he just laid in bed and stalked everyone he went to school with online. Everyone was way more interesting than him. They always were posting pictures of shows, hanging out with friends, parties, drugs sometimes, and just normal teenage stuff. Even the people that just posted their art got a lot of likes since their stuff was good.

Pete just had five pictures on his instagram and three of them were his dog. The other two were just old pictures from Chicago since he missed it there. He looked so lame compared to Gabe or Travie’s profiles.

He also read through everyone's Twitter account from the one that he never used. The only people that followed Pete were Gabe, Travie, this guy that's Gabe's friend but is in middle school, a few people he didn't know... and now Mikey. Of course he instantly followed him back because it was Mikey. He was in a band, he was _cool_.

 

So his feed for the day now looked like this:

_**SAPORTA @gabrielsaporta:** IF DONALD TRUMP WINS IM MOVING BACK TO URUGUAY! _

_**Travie @travismccoy:** .@gabrielsaporta if donald trump wins your immigrant ass is getting deported _

_**SAPORTA @gabrielsaporta:** shit! when does @rylandblackinton turn 18? i need a marriage visa _

 

That was pretty much his most of his daily feed other than William (Gabe's middle schooler) tweeting about the new X-Files and a few from Mikey. Okay... So Pete may have been stalking him a little, but still. Everything about Mikey was interesting. Even his short sentences about his day had Pete intrigued. 

These were the ones from today:

_**MikeyWay @mikeyrotten:** definitely just ripped out one of my hip piercings. Today is A Day ™ today. 7:48AM_

He has his hips pierced? That sounds cool. And kinda weird. Maybe a little… atractive?

_**Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:** when your health teacher is talking about herion addicts and keeps staring at you #notviciousalwaysrotten #idontevenhaveagirlfriendtostab today 10:35AM _

(What does any of that even mean? God Pete knew he was lame.)

_**Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:** gotta work on some project luckily one person in this class doesnt make me wanna remove my colon. today 1:27PM _

Was that him? He talks to other people in class too, but that had to be about Pete.

The most recent ones he must've sent front the car or he'd just gotten home.

_**Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:** whos coming to the mcr show at The Place next week? today 8:13PM _

_**McCrackhead @bertmccracken:** @mikeyrotten you know im gonna be there Mikeyboy_

_**Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:**_ @bertmccracken nice! cant wait to see you, brother

 ** _Lyn-Z @shittyteen:_** _@mikeyrotten wouldnt miss it! is there still a hole in the green room from me and @alka_seltzer666 ?_

**_Frances @alka_seltzer666:_ ** _@mikeyrotten @shittyteen if not we'll make a new one_

**_Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:_ ** _@shittyteen @alka_seltzer666 they arent gonna let us play cause of ya_

 

There were a few more that he replied to and a bunch he didn't, but the next thing he tweeted was:

_**Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:** @petewentz be ready to get that pretty face bruised up. looks like we've got a hell of a crowd_

'Pretty? He thinks I'm pretty? What do I even say to that? Boys aren't pretty?'

 _ **Pete @petewentz:** @mikeyrotten cant wait_.

God thank was so _lame_. He was worried that would scare Mikey off or something, but soon after Mikey tweeted again.

**_Mikey Way @mikeyrotten:_  ** _oi! does anyone wanna come over and stab me in the hip?_

_**Jeph @therealjepha:**_ _@mikeyrotten hell yeah! on my way, bro_

 

Wow, Mikey was popular. He had so such a large fan base and crew. Why did he even want to hang out with a loser like Pete?


	7. Me In My Own Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were a lot of things Pete didn’t know if they were socially acceptable or offensive.Eventually he needed to start thinking for himself and relearn what his dad and the priest taught him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda wordy with little dialog. sorry but thats my style.   
> after the mcr show theyll talk more. im updating kinda quickly and i would love some response to it
> 
> please comment and leave kudos
> 
> title by Beartooth (not punk but a good band)

School the next day was boring for Pete. Nothing interesting ever really happened, but this was a notably boring day. Well notably for Pete only- or more specifically Pete’s notebook he ranted in. His notebook- that was totally not a diary- kept him company on boring days like that one. It didn’t help that Travie wasn’t there so Pete had to sit alone and just be alone with his own thoughts as company. 

During lunch he scanned the cafeteria to try to seek out Mikey. There was no way he was going to actually talk to him in front of his friends. He couldn’t risk embarrassing himself like that, he just wanted to see the other boy for some odd reason. 

‘That’s what having friends is like, Peter, you enjoy spending time with them. It’s healthy,’ his mom’s voice sang in his head.

‘You wouldn’t know anything about that,’ his dad had to add.

Reminding himself that he was in control of his thoughts; Pete twitched a little to snap back into reality. They were _his_ thoughts. His parents couldn’t control what he thought about. It did make him change from looking at Mikey to staring at the grout on the lunch room floor.

 

Science was last period so it gave Pete a ton of time to think of a million different scenarios that could happen with Mikey. Most of them were weird and irrational. He just wanted to maybe be invited to Mikey’s house again. They did have a project to work on and Mikey certainly had more bands to show Pete. It wasn’t completely irrational to think they could hang out- for school reasons _of course._  

Pete never really thought about people like this. Sure, he overthought every public situation that he could embarrassed himself in. But overthinking seeing a friend?- If Mikey even was that- That was different and probably something he would mention to his psychologist if his dad didn’t cancel the appointments.

The feeling was a combination of excitement and anxiety. It made his stomach flip, but not in the nauseous way he felt when he was questioned by guidance counselors. It was different and new, and like everything he learned about Mikey, it was exciting.  

 

Pete even tried to impress Mikey by purposefully wearing an old AC/DC shirt since he sort of saw a poster in his room. He also maybe wore slightly tighter jeans to look a little cooler. It worked for Gabe so it should be the same for him.

Mikey looked like hell though. He still looked good, but in a weird messed up way. ‘Punk’ Pete remembered Mikey saying. He didn’t call himself a punk in the way that old women did to Pete when he road his skateboard in front of them. He said it with a weird sense of pride.

His jeans were completely tattered, his hair was a mess as always, but there was a sorta- blood mark on the end of his white Black Flag shirt but that was covered by his black vest. 

 

"Hey." he huffed out in a raspy voice which for whatever reason made Pete feel... weird. Mikey’s voice always changed and indicated his smoking habits were changing as well.

(His testosterone helped a lot too, but his not-so-close friends didn’t know that need to know that.)

"H-hi," he mumbled and he sat down.

"' like your shirt."

"Th-thanks... Uh you're kinda bleeding."

"Nah. I was." he shrugged and pulled on the blood soaked spot, "My buddy repierced my hips and I was wearing this. I passed out at his so I’m kinda- gross today."

"N-no you look good... Y- I-I didn't know you could pierce hips." Pete tried to cover for what he said. As far as he knew, boys don’t tell other boys they look good, even if they do in fact look beyond good.

"You can pierce just about anything." Mikey leaned back in his chair and pulled his shirt and ‘undershirt’ up, "Look."

Low down on his hips he had two silver circles coming out from each side of his hip bones, just above where his boxer waistband was. On side was tinted slightly pink from blood, but the other was perfectly pale and prominente.

"Oh."

"You like?" he asked as he pulled his shirt back down.

"Yeah uh- it's cool," he breathed out, "How many do you have?"

"Oh- a ton. Like over 15 I think?"

"D-d-do you have tattoos?" Pete asked, despite already knowing the answer.

"Yeah. On my legs and upper arms and stuff. I have pictures on my Instagram. Check em out."

"O-okay."

"Oh wait, don't if you're bothered by blood, I post a lot of piercing pictures. My brother has me blocked cause of it." he panicked and said that since he didn’t know if he had anything about being trans on it. He was hoping that would scare Pete away. If blood didn't scare him, being trans would.

It didn’t. Mikey made a mental note to delete any trans stuff when he got home. But Pete probably won’t notice. 

Hell, he didn’t notice the giant trans pride flag that was hanging in Mikey’s room. So Pete obviously wasn't too knowledgeable with trans things or LGBT stuff in general. That worried Mikey that he might be a bigot as well as uneducated.

But all Pete said was, "Oh. That's kinda cool I guess... So it sounds like a lot of people are coming to your show, huh?" 

That eased Mikey's anxiety right away. It just took him a second to realize Pete asked him something.

"Wh- Oh- Yeah. Yeah. All those guys and gals are fuckin crazy, it's gonna be awesome. Lindsey gets really drunk and is an amazing dancer, but she also is prone to break something, it's awesome. And Bert and Jeph are just freaks in general and they just bring out the crazy in anyone."

  
  


When Pete got home later, he spent the day stalking Mikey's Instagram. He had over 300 pictures which kept him busy.

He had pictures of tattoos, piercings, shows that were either his or he played at, weird clothes, and bruises as well as other injuries. 

He also had some of him and his friends at a Pride parade. He had paint under his eyes like a football player but it was blue, pink, and white. All the people with him had different colors under their eyes as well. Pete recognized one of the shorter boys from school, he was maybe a year younger than them, but he didn’t know for sure. Gabe was in a few of the pictures as well, he was totally decked out in full neon rainbow. Everyone was celebrating just being themselves as a community. 

Pete thought about how happy they looked verses all the terrible things people he knew said about queers. 

_ Could he even say queers?   _

There were a lot of things Pete didn’t know if they were socially acceptable or offensive.Eventually he needed to start thinking for himself and relearn what his dad and the priest taught him.

 

Pete brought his attention back to Mikey’s Instagram. He had a couple pictures of his legs that were almost half covered in tattoos. Only a few of them looked professionally done, despite that they were all nice and kind of cool.

At Catholic school pretty much everyone thought tattoos made a person look like white trash or a criminal something. Travie McCoy, who worked with Pete, had a few that were really nice and self made. Though he covered them for work, he was proud of his handiwork. Pete wondered if they ever crossed paths. 

Mikey's were different than Travie’s though. They were a lmost  attractive in a different way .

Well, not _attractive_. He's a  _ guy _ . And Pete did not like guys, nor did he find them attractive.

Mikey was _almost_ attractive and that was okay for Pete to think.


	8. Desolation Row

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment and leave kudos!
> 
> sorry for any mistakes

“Okay, so you know that guy I brought home the other day?” Mikey asked Gerard that night. He pretty much just walked into his older brothers room and started talking with no introduction. That was a pretty natural Mikey-ism though so it didn’t catch the college student off guard.   
“Uh- sure? I heard from mom that he’s weird and short.” Gerard muted the tv. He figuring if Mikey was talking about a boy it could take a while. Gender, drugs, the band, and dating were the main topics the brothers talked seriously about.  
“Yeah. He is. He’s like dorky and cute. But uh- I’m into him, right? But he’s like really religious- like he went to fuckin Catholic school, Church on Sunday, religious homework, and everything.”  
“Oh… Does he know bout you?”  
“No. Or- I don’t know. He definitely saw my flag, but he didn’t really like look at it? Like- I don’t think he knows what it meant.”  
“He probably didn’t. Don’t tell him unless you have to. That’s like- real deal scary.” Gerard put his arm around Mikey to comfort him in the most big brother way he could. He squeezed his shoulder before just letting his arm rest.   
It made Mikey feel safe- a feeling few people could bring to him. Gerard was always safe. Mikey was lucky to have him.  
“I know… I like him though. He’s adorable.... He’s coming to the show and sleeping over.”  
“How the fuck is he sleeping over if he doesn’t know you’re trans? Fuckin hell, Mikes, do you think?” Gerard didn’t mean to sound as mean as he did. His brother was just being too reckless.   
“I- I didn’t think it through. I’ll figure it out though. Just- he’ll sleep on the couch and like- ugh. You know I’ve been closeted before. I can handle one fuckin boy.”  
“Okay. But, I wanna analyze this guy. I don’t know if I trust him.”   
“Of course. Cause you’re so scary and big, you can intimidate him.” Mikey smiled making Gerard laugh.  
“I’ll try.”

 

On Friday night Pete checked with his mom for the millionth time that he could stay at Mikey's and for the millionth time, she said yes. Pete made sure he had money and stuff packed so when Mikey asked to pick him up he would be ready.  
It was around 3 in the afternoon when Mikey got him. Luckily neither of his parents were home so he could easily run out without more than my dog getting in the way.   
His nerves tried to stop him too. He never really had stayed over a friends house before, since he never had friends before.   
There was also the small issue of how Mikey made Pete feel. It was intimidation in a good, butterflies in your stomach kind of way. There was nothing wrong with admiring someone. Pete admired Starry Night by Van Gogh, but he didn’t want to fuck a painting. 

 

The two hung out in Mikey’s room for a few hours while he sewed a patch into the jeans he was making for Pete. He basically was ignoring Pete, leaving him to edit their science paper. It would’ve been awkwardly quiet if not for the music Mikey put on. He said ‘I want you to listen to this, cause I think you’ll like it’ then put on some playlist and said nothing else.   
He was content with just sewing the patch into Pete’s jeans that he had requested he bring over. Mikey’s exact text was ‘bring a pair of tight dark pants that i can ruin’ so Pete didn’t really know what he was doing.   
Mikey’s jeans always had patches with band logos or movie references, holes, or safety pins on them. The whole holes without patches and patches with no holes thing didn’t make any sense to Pete, but he let him do it. It did make pants look kind of cool. 

"Hey, I know this song." Pete said after a while.  
"Really? It's Joan Jett."  
"I Love Rock and Roll, right?"  
"Yup. I'm proud of you." Mikey looked up giving him a little smile.  
Pete blushed and tried not to stumble over his words, "Yeah... What are you doing to my pants again?"   
Mikey had been 'working on his pants' for the last hour, "Right now, I'm painting 'property of Mikey Way' over the back pocket."  
"Why?"  
"Cause I thought it would be funny... And it is."  
"Okay. I guess."  
Mikey went back to being quiet again for at least four songs. He almost scared Pete when he said, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna introduce you to Bert so you have someone to hang out with while I'm doing my bassist thing."

 

Bert was insane. He had crazy eyes and chain smoked while binge drinking and talking at the same time. But he was funny as hell and so were Frank and Gerard. The other two guys in the band were doing sound check stuff while they all hung out.  
After about an hour and half Mikey sighed and said he had to go, leaving Pete with strangers.  
That's how he ended up talking with Bert, Gabe, Lindsey and Frances and drinking two beers. He had never had anything more than a sip of the Church’s wine before. Underage drinking was beyond wrong and practically a sin.

"So you're like Mikey's boyfriend?" Lindsey asked as the room started to fill with people.  
"Uh- no. I'm- We're not dating... What- Why would you think that?"  
The other girl- Frances then slapped him hard on his ass, "We figured Mikey Way owns your ass."  
"If anything he'd own Mikey's." Gabe laughed, draping his arm around Pete.  
"Stop. We're just friends."  
"You're on what? Your third beer now? And you're sleeping at his house tonight, so I'm guess your friendship is about to get a whole lot less platonic." Lindsey laughed.  
Before Pete could respond, some hype man named Brian said My Chemical Romance would be on in ten. Bert told him to avoid the pit if he didn’t want to get killed before the band came out.


	9. My Love Note Has Gone Flat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just so you know, I'm not actually homophobic; I'm just confused."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont know why this chapter is so long, but a bunch of stuff happens. enjoy.   
> leave me comments and kudos cause i thrive on validation.
> 
> tw for abuse mention in the last paragraph and homophobia in a lot of this
> 
> title by leathermouth

Mikey looked amazing on stage and Pete was so distracted by him he didn't hear Gerard announce the song. Right after that they started to play and the pit started to move. He watched Mikey under the lights as he nodded along to the music. He would’ve rathered to stay in the back and watch from a distance, but Gabe grabbed him and pulled him towards the crowd.   
Pete wasn't going to lie, it was a lot of a lot of fun to just beat up on guys for no reason. Getting knocked around was also really fun especially when he was feeling self destructive. The adrenaline and the alcohol was the perfect combination to stop any pain, including when Lindsey kicked Pete in the face with her Docs while she was crowd surfing.

The show ended a lot sooner than everyone wanted. It felt like one second a boot was getting to first base and then next a really drunk Bert was pulling Pete out of the pit and screaming, "DUDE WE'RE GOING BACK STAGE!"  
The crowd started to clear out as they pushed their way to the back, trying to grab anyone they knew. They seemed to fail other than finding Lindsey who was picking at her ripped fishnets by the bar.

"Where's Gabe? And Jesus, Pete, how are you still standing?" Lindsey asked when they stopped walking to stand in a musty room that looked like a living room with furniture fresh from the dumpster.  
"Who knows or cares?" Bert shrugged as he lit a cigarette and then put it in Pete’s mouth before lighting another one.  
Pete took a drag from it not knowing what to do as the door swung open and the band came in.   
‘Lying, drinking, and smoking now, Pete? You just really want to burn don’t you?’  
"Dude! That was sick, man! Fuckin brutal!" Bert laughed and clapped Gerard and Frank on the back before sitting down with them on the couch. They passed around beer and cigarettes talking loudly among themselves.  
Pete was still leaning against the wall when a really sweaty, beat up Mikey walked in with the drummer's arm around him, "I'm gonna go find Brian." the drummer announced before walking out of the room.  
Mikey's eyes got wide when he saw Pete and instantly grabbed his shoulders, pinning him against the wall, "Pete, fuck, you okay? You look like hell."  
"Nah- nah. -I feel great." Pete mumbled around his bloody cigarette.  
"Since when do you smoke? And why are you bleeding?"  
"Since two seconds ago, and why am I bleeding, Lindsey?" he asked, moving away from Mikey to sit on the ground, pulling the bassist with him.  
"To hell if I know?!?" she scoffed and took a long swig of her beer.  
"You kicked me in the face, asshole."  
"Oh shit! Sorry, didn't recognize you without a sweater or a Mikey around you." she laughed, looking where Mikey's arm was around Pete.  
"Fuck off... You guys were great." he looked up at Mikey.  
"Thanks... You're bleeding like crazy."  
“Yeah. It kinda hurts.”   
“Drink this, it’ll help.” Frank said passing him a plastic cup.  
Pete swirled the dark brown liquid around eyeing it questionably. Mikey had the twin cup to his so he leaned back into the taller boy and whispered, “What is this?”  
Mikey took a sip and thought for a second, “Rum and coke. It’s just flat. Don’t drink it if you don’t want to.”  
“N-no. I’ll uh- I’ll try it.” Pete shrugged and took a sip, cringing slightly.  
“You don’t drink much, huh?”  
“N-no. Uh- it’s good. But- not ever.”   
“You’ve never drank before?” Mikey’s face got weirdly concerned.  
“No.”   
Pete went to take another sip, but Mikey stopped him, “Go easy. It’s all gonna hit you soon.”  
Pete huffed him off. Hell he was older than Mikey, he didn’t need a babysitter. He really didn’t need his drinks being counted.  
He should’ve listened and not finished the drink or had another one. Less than a half hour later everything started to hit him as the pain wore off. 

It turns out that Drunk Pete was kind of fun. Gabe got him to dance with both himself and Mikey. With Mikey he was much closer and more… provocative.   
It was all hands and bodies pressed together for a long time. Gabe took pictures because come on, it was little ‘good boy’ Pete grinding on some punk boy he barely knew.  
Someone made a joke about them fucking that made Mikey tell them to fuck off, they haven’t even kissed yet! To that the person- Frank probably he was such a little rat- started to chant ‘Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!’  
And that's all Pete remembered.

He didn’t remember them hanging out at Bert’s and Jeph’s place. There was a lot of weed and more drinking, so Mikey decided to take Pete home early. By early he meant 2 AM and not the next morning like normal.   
He balanced a really drunk Pete and his huge bass case just trying to get home alive. Everyone on the bus was shady looking or also drunk. Being trans openly made Mikey nervous in situations like that. He always kept a switchblade in his vest pocket just in case. (Relax, he only used it like twice before).   
Being slightly drunk, over tired, and sore from both his binder hurting him and from just getting banged up by Frank on stage; Mikey wasn’t up for anyone starting shit with him. He was also kind of let down that Pete was intoxicated since he wanted some company. 

 

Pete woke up, shirtless in a bed that wasn't his own with a splitting headache. He honestly thought that only happened in tv shows.  
"Good morning, Pete Vicious." someone mumbled, putting coffee near his face.  
Pete groaned, sitting up and cringing. Memories started to hit him instantly.  
'Oh right. Mikey's room. My Chemical Romance concert. Drinking.  
Why does my nose hurt?'  
"Lindsey kicked you in the face." he answered.  
“Wait did I say that all out loud?”  
"Yes." Mikey laughed a little handed him coffee and headache pills, "Did you have fun?" he said, giving Pete the water he was drinking from.  
"I think so."  
"Awesome."  
"Why am I shirtless?" Pete asked suddenly extremely aware he was exposed.  
Mikey glanced down at Pete’s body and smiled a little, "Well- uh- you claimed it was a million degrees in here so you took your shirt off. You also tried to take off more, but let’s not mention that."  
"What?" Pete asked loudly, which made him cringe, "Ugh... But we didn't- right? No? We couldn't of. I'm not even- we didn't-"  
"If we had sex you'd remember." Mikey rolled his eyes. Luckily Pete slept in due to the hangover so Mikey had enough time to shower and put on his binder. Drunk Pete didn’t notice when he took it off last night.   
Mikey looked a lot different in the mornings. His hair was naturally a mess in a wavy, not planned way, and he wasn't wearing his collar or a jacket which meant Pete got a nice view of the four or five tattoos he had on his arms.  
Pete weirdly liked seeing him like this.  
It was almost like he could read Pete’s mind because two seconds later Mikey asked, "Wait. What you were saying before- you're not gay?"  
"No. No, I'm not."  
Gay thoughts be damned, they meant nothing.  
Everyone has gay thoughts, right?  
"Huh. I honestly thought you were."  
"Well, I'm not."  
"Okay." he shrugged and Pete could swear he moved away from him just a bit, "I am. Just so you know."  
Well that makes it worse.  
"Uh- also there's a picture of us kissing going around."  
"Oh... That's... something, I guess." Pete sighed, because at least there was some memory of his first kiss out there.

Mikey invited him downstairs for breakfast and more coffee. Gerard was at the table with Frank, Lindsey and their mom. Everyone expect for their mom looked beat with smudged makeup and messy hair.  
“Mornin, pretty boy.” Lindsey smiled, “Looks like I got you good there.”  
Pete gently touched his nose and winced, “Fuck- I don’t know what I’m gonna tell my ma.”  
“Your mother doesn’t know where you were last night?” Mrs. Way asked, being fake stern.   
“Uh- N-n-no. I- s-”  
“Relax, she’s messing with you. She doesn’t care.” Mikey told him, giving him a fresh mug of coffee. He sat down and encouraged Pete to do the same with the small group.   
“Where does your mom think you are though?” she asked, acting like a parent again.  
“Gabe’s house.”  
“Your parents let you go to Gabe’s, but not the Ways?” Frank asked with a laugh.  
“They don’t know anything about Gabe.”  
“Smart.”   
Pete looked like hell at the table. His head was pounding loudly and he had to keep his eyes tightly shut from all the light.   
“You good, Pete?” Gerard asked when noticed the boy’s condition.   
Pete just groaned, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose.   
“Petey’s first hangover.” Mikey announced with a smile and started to rub Pete’s back.  
“Adorable.” Lindsey cooed.   
“Our sweet little baby.” Gerard added in the same condescending tone.  
“Too precious for this world, too pure.” Mikey whispered with a smile. He was still petting Pete despite his weak defensive moves.  
“Well, he spent the night here so I’m guessing he isn’t so pure.” Mrs. Way said into her mug.  
“Oi! I didn’t touch him! My sweet little dude passed out the second he hit the bed.”   
“I’m right here! And I’m not that small!” Pete said in defense.   
“You’re barely taller than me, shut up.” Frank cackled.   
Was this what having friends was like? Just making fun of eachother and accusing them of sleeping with one another?  
Weird.

As much as he didn’t want to; Pete tried to ignore Mikey for the next week. It was hard since he was everywhere and everyone wanted to know if they were together. Pete also really wanted to talk to Mikey, but Mikey just brought weird thoughts to his head.

‘Weird’ was also a synonym for gay in Pete’s world. But again, Pete was sure his attraction to Mikey was purely aesthetically and they were just fine as friends.   
He still was sure if ‘attraction’ was even the best word. Pete seemed to be having trouble with words and trying to explain himself lately. He blamed Mikey for that as well. 

Mikey really must've wanted to talk to him since he did not stop texting him since they left each other. It was just little things like ‘drink a lot of water today’ when he got back home, or just more facts he wanted to add into their paper. But it was a lot of messages.   
It took a week for Pete to give in, only because as of 7:38 on Friday Mikey had called him 12 times and he had close to 20 messages from him.  
Pete was currently working at Boys and Girls Village with Travie and couldn't really just answer his phone. It took Travie three calls to got fed up with the ringing and he send Pete to answer it was he watched the kids.

"What?!?" Pete snapped as he walked into the hallway.  
"Hi." he sounded almost like a hurt puppy.  
"Mikey, what?" he repeated with a small sigh. It wasn’t Mikey’s fault; he didn’t know he was working. Pete kicked at a brick wall to punish himself.  
"I miss you, dude."  
"You saw me in science."  
"But not really. You're avoiding me."  
"I'm not."  
"Are too." Mikey said, amused with the childish banter.  
"Am not."  
"Fine! But why are things weird between us?... Is it the picture? I’ll take it down. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not that. I’m just busy.”  
“Well, I have your sweater from the other day. You want it?”  
“Obviously. It’s mine.”  
“Then come over and get your stupid sweater." Mikey challenged, “If you don't come get it I will wear it every day to school."  
"Mikes, I'm busy. I'll come get my sweater another time."  
"Bu-"  
"Bye." Pete groaned and hung up the phone.

 

The next day at school Mikey did actually wear Pete’s sweater and sent Gabe to talk to him in Spanish.  
"Do you hate him now?" he asked as he drew on Rylands arms.  
"No."  
"Did you guys have bloody, sweaty, after- concert sex?"  
"God no! I'm not even gay!" Pete snapped getting a few people's attention.   
Everyone just gave him a look then went back to their work. Of course Suarez had to shake his head and said, “Dude.”  
Pete turned back to Gabe- and Ryland (their teacher had put the other boy between them thinking it would stop them from talking. It was a bad choice since the three were louder).   
Gabe laughed and threw something at Suarez and Ryland added, “You’re one to talk, Suareasy.”  
‘Fuckin hell, Gabe’s friends are weird.’  
"He likes you though, you know?" Gabe smacked Pete’s arm to get his attention back on him. This was way more important than the lesson.  
"I know he wants to talk to me."  
"He tagged you in that picture of you guys kissing and now he's wearing your sweater at school cause he liiiiiiiikes you!" Gabe laughed making Ryland giggle too.  
“Are we twelve?” Pete asked, thinking that was how middle schoolers spoke to each other. He wouldn’t know. He didn’t have anyone to talk to in middle school.  
“I am.” Gabe gave him a shrug.

 

But Mikey confirmed it next period. He was wearing that stupid sweater that Pete actually really liked. But it was way too small on the pale boy so when he stretched his back, letting it slide up his hips. Pete tried not to look since that is not what straight boys do. He just bit his lip and stared at the table.   
Pain is a hell of a distraction. If he was friends with Mikey much longer he might break his own neck.  
"Want your sweater back, Wentz?" he asked, getting Pete’s attention back to his face that had a winning smirk.  
"I- Yes. Of course I do. It's mine."  
"You're gonna have to take it off of me later."  
"Mikey." he growled quietly, trying not to get anyone's attention, "I'm straight."  
"Uh huh. I know. I was kidding."  
"I am."  
"Is that what they taught you in bible school?" he huffed a dry laugh.  
"Yes, because I'm not some hell bound queer." Pete snapped, making his eyes get wide, since that was way too far.  
He quickly snapped back to a straight face and said, "The Hell-Bound Queers is what I'm gonna name my next band."

Luckily he didn't talk to Pete until the end of the period when the bell rang, "Should I expect to see you at my house later?"  
"Am I gonna get my sweater back any other way?"  
"Seems unlikely."

 

The last period Pete had was art with Gabe and Suarez. He was already done with the day so he wasn't actually going to do my art.  
"Mikey looks real hot in your sweater." Gabe added to the conversation after Pete didn’t answer him for a good 10 minutes.  
"It would look better on me, if you know, he ever gave it back."  
"Sleep with him then steal the sweater... Isn't that what he did to you?"  
"No. NO! We- no. I'm straight."  
"Ew... You're... straight?... No offence, cause like my dad is straight so I got nothing against it, but I don't want you to like- think girl are attractive." Gabe said, grossed out, making Suarez snicker.  
"Shut up."  
"Honestly though, how can you like girls? That's so unnatural."  
"More natural than being with a man."  
"I never said 'a man', I haven't dated an older guy in a while."  
"Didn't you have a sugar daddy like last week?" Suarez asked, looking up at Gabe.  
"I wish.”  
"Why am I friends with you?" Pete sighed shaking his head.  
"Every homophobic Catholic boy needs a gay, Jewish best friend."  
"If we're now best friends, will you come to Mikey's with me to get my stupid sweater?"  
"Sure... Will you help me scam a rich doctor?"  
"No."  
"Well, maybe you need to check your definition of friendship."  
"If you don’t come with me I'll tell Travie to leave you here."  
"Fine. I'll go with you to your little hetero boyfriends house."  
"Thanks."  
"I really need a car… And just for the record, Mikey's a pretty good kisser." Gabe shrugged as he texted someone.  
"You've kissed him?" Pete raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Yeah. We're friends. I've made out with almost all my friends. Even Vicky T got some of my lovin."  
"We've never kissed."  
"Not yet. But you've never k-"  
"Shut it!" Pete snapped, looking at Suarez. He may have accidently told Gabe that Mikey was his first kiss, but whatever.  
It's whatever. What it isn't is gay.  
It's definitely not gay.

 

"So we're just gonna get my sweater, then go to yours, got it?" Pete ordered Gabe for the third time as they walked up to Mikey's front door.  
"And in between that, we'll have a slutty three w-HEY Mikey." Gabe smiled when the door opened.  
"Hi, Gabe. Hey, Pete. Come in."  
Pete sighed and followed him upstairs to his bedroom with Gabe close behind me.  
"Sit." Mikey smiled, pointing at his bed, which Gabe did sit down on. Pete stayed standing in front of him.  
"I want my stupid sweater back." Pete said with his arms crossed in front of him.  
"Stupid?... See now I don't wanna give it back to you, you sweater abuser. I quite like this sweater."  
"Give it. You said if I came over I could get my sweater back and here I am."  
"Yeah, but you brought Gabe, that doesn't count."  
"Gabe, go wait in my car." Pete snapped at Gabe who stood up and kissed Mikey's cheek.  
"Later, sexy."  
Once Gabe was gone and the door was closed, Mikey stepped closer to Pete so they were almost touching and said, "You haven't been talking to me."  
"I finished writing our paper on nuclear energy."  
"Cool... Why haven't you been talking to me?" Mikey tried to get his arm around Pete’s waist. But the shorter boy stepped away completely.  
"Honestly, Mikey? It's cause you're a guy, a very gay guy that wears collars and kisses me. And I shouldn't be friends with that."  
"You can't blame us not being friends on my sexuality. Hell, you're hanging out with Gabe."  
"Gabe doesn't kiss me or undress me with his eyes when we hang out."  
Mikey gave him a 'yeah right' look.  
"Okay, Gabe may undress me with his eyes but I didn't wake up half naked in his bed... Just give me my sweater back."  
"Whatever." he sighed and took the sweater off in front of Pete so he could see all of the tattoos he had on his arms. He couldn’t see much else because of Mikey’s undershirt. Not that he wanted to see more.   
Pete had to believe that he would find that attractive even if he wasn’t a he.  
"Yeah, you're so not into guys." Mikey rolled his eyes, throwing his sweater at him.  
"Fuck you." Pete snapped.  
“For the record I asked you before I kissed you and you undressed yourself and I put you in my bed because your head hurt. I was being nice. The fact that I’m gay and you’re an attractive male doesn’t mean I like you or want to fuck you. Honestly you have a shitty personality.”   
Pete crinkled his brow at that, “I thought you were my friend. You’re acting like a jerk. You- you fuckin rude faggot!”  
“Oh I’m the faggot! I’m not the one who gawks at guys when they take their shirts off.”  
“I’m not a faggot! I’m nothing like you! You- you’re disgusting!”  
Mikey briefly went from angry to offended, then right back to angry, "I’M NOT DISGUSTING! AND YOU NEED TO FIGURE YOURSELF OUT!”  
“I KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM! YOU NEED TO LEAVE ME ALONE!” Pete matched his volume.  
“Screw you! You’re the one who stares at me all the time! You kissed me a lot! You- fuck Pete if you heard the things you told me the other night- your knees would be weak the next time you went to pray.” Mikey huffed a laughed, calming down slightly.  
“Fuck you, faggot!” Pete snapped and pushed Mikey violently so he fell back and hit something. Then Pete just stormed out of the room, not even bothering to see what Mikey hit.

Pete slammed the door to his car and buried his face into his hands and his sweater. The sweater that now smelt like cigarettes, coffee, cologne and hair product. Great.  
Pete screamed again and looked back up so he could start driving.  
"You all good?" Gabe asked glancing up from his phone.  
"No. I hate Mikey. He's awful and- and I hate him."  
Gabe nodded and lit a cigarette as he said, "Yeah. He's a little weird, huh?"  
"He's the worst. And can you not smoke in here?"  
"I can. But I won't."  
"Thanks."

 

Gerard heard the screaming and the crash from all the way downstairs. He waited until he heard the yelling stopped and the doors slammed.   
Mikey was sitting on the floor of his room, picking at a broken lamp. He looked upset and hurt.   
“What happened? You okay?”  
“Lamp broke.”  
“How? I heard fighting.”  
“He pushed me.” Mikey shrugged and stood up with a small struggle.   
“You hurt?” Gerard helped him to the bed.  
“A little. It’s chill though.”  
“Damn. Get some ice on it… Why’d he hurt ya?”  
“Cause he wanted to remind me that I’m disgusting and a faggot.”  
“Oh, my sweet little bro, you knew this would happen.”  
“I set myself up for failure, I know.”  
“You aren’t disgusting or a faggot though.” Gerard rubbed his back as he spoke.  
“I know… I like this stupid, messed up boy.”   
“Yeah, I know, kiddo.”  
“At least he doesn’t know I’m trans.”  
“Yeah. He’d probably get weird if he knew, huh?”  
“So weird. I don’t trust him totally. I wish I didn’t like him so much.”

 

Gabe's mom hugged Pete and mumbled something about not wanting to hear them before she walked away and he was dragged up to Gabe's bedroom.  
"What have you not had sex on?" Pete asked, looking around the room.  
"Uh... Hm. I don't know. The bedspreads been washed." Gabe shrugged as he sat down and took off his shoes.  
"Fine." Pete sighed and joined him, throwing his sneakers down as well.  
"Wanna watch a movie?"  
"We both can't focus through a whole movie."   
"Fine. We'll watch The Walking Dead."  
"Never seen it."  
"You're gonna love it."  
Three episodes in, Pete did actually love it. Gabe screamed at the tv whenever something dumb happened, it was hilarious to listen to. But the begin of Tell It To the Frogs was boring so Pete decided to mumble to Gabe, "Just so you know, I'm not actually homophobic; I'm just confused."  
"Confused about what?"  
"Mikey was my first and only kiss. I don't know if I liked the act or the person. And- I just don't know."  
"That's okay... You should just try to think about guys the next time you're thinking about stuff and see what happens."  
"Well, I mean I do think about guys sometimes."  
"You know what I mean, right?" Gabe asked, turning towards me.  
"No."  
"Jerk off to guys, see if you like it, get back to me."  
"Oh." Pete mumbled, looking away from his friend. There was no way in hell he was going to do that... Well maybe if Pete planned on going to hell, which he doesn't, "Yeah. I'm not gonna do that."  
"Then stay sexual frustrated, you little queer."  
"Don't call me queer, faggot." Pete hissed which made Gabe roll his eyes.  
"Whatever. At least I don't worry about what makes my dick hard all the time."  
"Can't we ever talk about anything else?"  
"I guess... So I totally made out with William yesterday and let me tell you th-" and then Gabe went into a really long story about Williams hips or something and Pete started to question their friendship completely.

 

Even a week later Pete was still ignoring everything to do with Mikey. Apart from editing their paper online, they didn’t talk. Neither of them made much of an effort to be friends again. 

Mikey was still pissed about the homophobic comments and Pete was acting out because things were bad at home. ‘Bad’ was an understatement, but considering how neutral things had been with his dad for the last few weeks.   
Recently his dad had been calling him out for everything. Literally everything he did was wrong. He had to be so careful again.   
When being careful failed, he needed to cover the marks to be even more careful. God knows what would happen if someone at school saw one too many bruises and thought they needed to know more.   
Pete found that expensive tattoo covering makeup fixed his problems to a point. Long sleeves and makeup helped him try to be normal at school. He just couldn’t believe at 16 he was still covering welts and bruises or that his hands still bruised, but never broke when hit.   
He didn’t have time to worry about Mikey and his own sexuality when he had to worry about his dad all the time.


	10. Black Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short ish one, but a goodie.   
> enjoy   
> please comment and leave kuddos 
> 
> title by black flag

Pete’s outburst ruined Mikey’s interests in him for a long while. Every message he sent was either passive agressive or just short. It made Pete a little nervous about their project, but they had it covered.   
Gabe also seemed weird around him, because apparently Pete had a way to magically ruin everything good in his life. Now he was back to being alone and made fun of again. People called him ‘the jesus freak’ a lot and the only person that would tell them to fuck off was Travie. Even Travie didn’t want to defend Pete after hearing what he said to Mikey. 

Pete was completely alone and bruised to the core. Everything hurt in the way that it made him miss how Mikey used to make him feel. He wanted that nervous, happy feeling again.

 

It took Pete almost three weeks before he had to try to fix everything. Mikey looked run down and tired during science since he had band practice until really late. Yet somehow he still looked- aesthetically pleasing to Pete.

When class ended signalling the end of the day, Pete tried to talk to Mikey. Mikey just shook his head and left the room. It forced Pete to chase him down like a fucking idiot through the hallway. He lost him when more classes started to get let out. A huge wall of huge people blocked his path completely.   
Maybe they weren't huge, but everyone over 5'7 seemed huge in Pete's world of shortness.   
Anyway, he pushed through, elbowing way too many people and earning a more swears and insults than he usually got in a day. He was just trying to do one good thing, but of course he couldn't do anything good without doing ten bad things. Of course those ten bad things were to strangers and the good thing was for Mikey. That counted for something... Maybe.   
'Normal people don't count how many times they fuck up' Pete thought to himself as he ran out of the school.

In the parking lot, Pete finally caught Mikey, running right into him in front of his friends, “Fuck- Mikes, god, you move fast.” Pete panted, holding Mikey’s collar so he didn’t fall.  
“What do you want, Pete?” Mikey snapped, pushing him off.  
“I- Can we talk? Please. Alone.” he glanced at the other boys who were laughing at him.  
“My rides not gonna wait for me.”   
“I can drive you. Just please? I got- Mikey, please.”   
“Fine,” he waved his friends off and turned back to Pete, “Let’s go. You owe me coffee.”  
“Yeah. Cool.”

 

“So, I’m an idiot.” Pete started when they both got in the car.  
“You are?” Mikey asked, mostly agreeing with him.   
Pete wanted to be a little defensive, but he also knew he was, in fact, a idiot. “Yeah. I am. I’m an idiot and I’m not used to uh- different lifestyles?” he questioned his own words as he spoke, “Uh- yeah. So it kind of is- like- weird?- to me.”  
“So my lifestyle is too weird for you?”   
Luckily Pete was too focused on driving so he couldn't see the death stare Mikey had been giving him. In the back of Mikey's head he knew Pete didn't know he was trans, but he just felt like if he did know, this is how he would act. So he was basically punishing Pete for something he hadn't done... Yet.  
“No! It just freaked me out.”  
“I freak you out cause I’m queer?”  
“I- isn’t queer a band word?” Pete glanced over at Mikey who was staring hard at him, “I’m seriously asking.”  
“No. If I say it it’s not. You can’t… Answer my question.”  
“No, uh- it’s cause we kissed and I’m not used to gay stuff.”   
“Oh. Right. Raised religious and shit, huh?”   
“Yes.”  
“So, you don’t think I’m disgusting or satan’s rent boy or whatever?”  
“Uh- I don’t know what that is, but no I don’t. I think you’re cool and nice. I miss hanging out with you.” Pete thought that was less gay than saying ‘I miss you’. It wasn’t.   
“Yeah. Cool… We should hang out again.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Would that answer change if I said it was a date?” Mikey tested as the car stopped in front of his house.  
“Uh- yeah it would. I um- not like that. Sorry.”  
“It’s cool. Thanks for the ride.” Mikey shrugged and went to get out of the car  
"So we're good?"  
“You still owe me coffee.”   
"If I bring you coffee, then we're good?" Pete asked hopefully.  
"I don't know. Try it. Sugar, no cream." he said and shut the car door.


	11. Midnight Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt even proof read this. take a fuckin sip babes  
> also yeah whatever i forgot to update for a year big deal... really tho whos still reading this?  
> also i wrote another fic go read it.
> 
> title by rise against

Mikey almost, sort of, kind of, forgave him for- well everything. And that felt great. At first Pete didn’t know if they were actually okay or what. He wasn't great at picking up on signals or social ques or keeping friendships or math.

Pete wasn't great at a lot of things.

He started to wonder if Mikey really wanted to fix their friendship or whatever they had. But as Pete sat alone at lunch, Mikey and his friends ended up surrounded him at lunch. They sat down and started to talk loudly, mostly ignoring Pete.

“You should come to Gabe’s show this weekend,” Mikey offered, nudging Pete.

“Yeah. When?”

“Saturday at 10. You can stay at mine.” 

“Okay,” Pete nodded a little. He took that as a win for their friendship. And he could already hear the shit Gabe was going to say about him staying at Mikey's house again.

"There's a party after too. So late night." Mikey warned.

"Ugh. Okay," Pete said as unenthusiastic as possible. He glanced over at Mikey and lowered his voice, “Don’t let me drink, okay?”   
After the last time he got drunk, he wasn't really ready to make it a weekend hobby.

“I’ll try to keep my eye on you.”

“Won’t be too hard for you, huh, Mikes?” Frank shot.

“Hey, blow me, freak.” Mikey snapped.

“That’s Pete’s job.” he laughed then tried to duck to avoid Mikey’s thrown water bottle.

 

“Here’s an idea, you don’t want jokes about you doin Mikey, get a girlfriend. Since you’re so straight you can do that.” Gabe offered as advice. He was getting a little sick of Pete's complaining. And he also kind of thought Mikey and Pete would be good together.

“I- girls here don’t like me, Gabe.”

“Did you have one at your old school? Maybe hit up one of them.”

“I went to an all boys school,” Pete rolled his eyes. He tried to focus on the math work they were supposed to be doing. Of course that was a lost cause, Gabe’s best talent was distracting others.

“I know you’re not bi, but like dude, if you were that’d be awesome.”

“Not with those guys. All god fearing Catholic boys.”

“Gross… Mostly white?”

“Yeah.”

“Gross.” Gabe said again. He remembered Pete mentioning how much he stuck out at school. There was not a doubt in Gabe’s mind that Pete was really bisexual, but he wasn’t going to force that out of him. 

“I know… Girls just like don’t like me,” he sighed. 

“I can introduce you to some girls at my show.”

“Awesome.”

“You know, Mikey is a really great guy. Funny, hot, caring. Only difference between him and a girl is gender, my dude. You should try it, you might like it.”

“That’s not how things work.”

“For a straight guy you seem to know a lot about the sexuality spectrum.”

 

“What do I even wear to one of your shows?” Pete asked Gabe over the phone later that night.

“No clue. Just wear whatever you want- or like not dorky stuff. Wear anything you’d wear to Mikey’s shows.”

“Yeah... I hate that everyone makes fun of me for being dorky. I can’t help it.”

“We do it playfully. It’s like calling me a slut, it’s a joke.”

“You are a slut though.”

“Yeah. But a good kind of slut.”

 

Being able to leave the house was a huge privilege for Pete. He had to beg like a small child then spend the rest of the week doing chores and whatever his parents asked. It was a lot, but it was also his only option and he really wanted to go to Gabe’s show.

Pete left on Saturday saying ‘Yeah, I’ll keep in touch’, ‘yes I’ll be safe’, and ‘Okay, love you’. He drove over to the Way’s trying to ignore all his intrusive thoughts. They told him that ‘something’ was wrong. It was like he would ask himself ‘what is wrong’ and all he would get back was ‘something’. 

 

Mikey let Pete in with an annoyed look on his face. He mumbled hi then just walked away, expecting Pete to follow. Of course he did, going up to Mikey’s bedroom with him.

“Something wrong?” Pete asked as he sat down on Mikey’s desk chair.

“Parents are fighting.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t do shit. They’re just being annoying and ignoring the fact that I said I have someone comin over.” Mikey groaned, stretching out his bed. Pete tried not to watch his body, all long limbs and hip bones.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, let’s take off. I know a place we can chill until the show.”

“Yeah. Is this okay?” Pete gestured at his clothes. 

“Yes, but I have a present for you.”

“A less ugly shirt I’m guessing?”

“No… A more ugly one,” Mikey smile briefly and threw the shirt to Pete’s face.

Pete picked it up to see it was a ‘The Used’ shirt that Mikey had put holes in. Some of them were cut, other torn, and some honestly looked like burns.

“White looks good on you.” Mikey added.

“Not re- um- Thanks.” Pete struggled to breathe out. Taking complements was not something he did well. He needed to work on that.

 

“Haha! Nice shirt, man!” that guy- Pete guessed he was in The Used- yelled when he saw Pete’s shirt. He had swung his arm around the shorter boy accidently spilling his beer on him, “My bad. Lemme grab you and me another.” he offered and walked off.

“Bert. That’s Bert.” Mikey said, not even letting Pete ask. He was watching the stage hands set up instead of talking. Instead he was just quietly sipping a beer and zoning out. His cigarette was long burnt out in his finger.

“Oh, right.”

Mikey went back to being quiet. He just nodded when Bert changed his empty beer out for a full one. Bert also whispered something to him, getting him to shake his head. 

“Your loss,” Bert said with a shrug and walked off.

 

When Midtown announced themselves Mikey hit Pete and said, “Scream.” They did with some of his other friends, clapping, cat-calling, and ‘wooing’ from the crowd. Gabe laughed and flipped them off before he started the set.  
Midtown was slower than most of the bands Mikey took him to see. Pete didn’t really see why he had to dress all- whatever the punk’s called it. 

At least Mikey wasn’t mad anymore. Actually he seemed more than happy. He stood next to Pete moving slightly to the music and smoking. The way he looked zoned out and also like he was hyper-fixed on Gabe was odd. He was just in a weird mood.

 

It wasn’t until Gabe was saying thank you that Pete realized he spent a lot of the time watching Mikey. Of course he was listening, but he had heard every Midtown song a million times he could write them down perfectly. It was a great time, dispite Pete feeling out of it.

 

“I think a bunch of people are fuckin hot-boxin this place,” Mikey mumbled down to Pete.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Gabe’s fuckin puttin on a show and these assholes are gettin high during it. Bullshit.”

Mikey seemed genuinely mad about his friend’s ungrateful fans. He looked pissed.

“You know? Let’s just go. I’m not waitin till the cops busts these idiots.”

“Okay.” Pete agreed of course. He followed Mikey like a devoted dog through the venue and outside. 

Getting out of that smokey smog and musty smell that was barely covered by the pot.  
The cold air felt good. The wind made him shiver slightly since his shirt looked like it was held together by a whim and prayer. 

 

“Do you even care where we’re goin?” Mikey asked after a solid three minutes of solid walking.

“I assumed you’d tell me eventually.”

He just laughed and slightly shook his head, “House party. Gerard text me bout it.”

“What abo-”

“Gabe’s meeting us there. He can’t make out with fans without them posting about it.”

“Oh.” Pete left out the whole thing about Gabe introducing him to girls. Just because Gabe couldn’t do anything with them didn’t mean Pete couldn’t.

 

The party seemed more like Mikey’s thing. Fast punk music, random bottles of whatever people could get, bags of whatever they could buy, and no pressure to look a certain way. People were smoking in the house and putting their feet on furniture. Pete wasn’t used to that kind of scene.

 

“Gerard’s in here,” Mikey had said before dragging Pete by his belt. A few people slurred ‘hi’s in his direction or vaguely lifted their cups to him. 

“Hey, Mikes, Pete.” Gerard smiled, when he announced their arrival. His outburst cut off whoever was talking, not like he cared.

“Hey.”

“Thought you were at the Midtown gig?” Frank asked around the blunt he was lighting.

“We were. Some of us actually support the local scene, ‘stead of goin up to the City.” Mikey shot, making a few of the guys go ‘ooo shit’.

“Fucker. Midtown ain’t my thing. All emo chicks that wanna bang Gabe. No edge, no- no energy.” Frank sort of had a point. It was still hypocritical that he said he supported the scene, but didn’t even go to show that was put together by someone from his school.

“Yet Bert’s there.” 

“No fuckin way Bert’s at a Midtown gig,” Gerard laughed out.

“He is. Right, Pete?”

“Yeah, but wasn’t he sellin?” Pete asked quietly, just to Mikey.

“Sellin and watching the set.”

“Two for one,” Gerard agreed, “They got you beat, Frankie.”

“Whatever. Where’s Ray?” Frank mumbled, turning on his heals.

“Haha. You guys upset the kid.”

The rest of the night went on without a hitch. It was just full of loud music, beer, and just talking. Pete was glad nothing else was going on that was too wild. And around 2 AM Mikey decided to call it a night, dragging Gerard out with him.

 

“Gabe never showed up,” Pete stated when Mikey asked what was wrong.

“Oh. Yeah, he must’ve met someone.”

“I guess.”

“I’m gonna go change,” Mikey mumbled, still dazed.  
Pete did the same once alone. He laid down carefully on Mikey’s bed, not getting comfortable. He figured he’d offer to sleep on the couch.

Mikey came back in a hoodie with all his makeup taken off. Pete always forgotten that Mikey wore actual makeup, unlike the stage makeup Gerard or Bert wore. He thought Mikey looked fine without all the cover-up or whatever he had on.

 

“Slide over,” Mikey ordered, shutting off the main light.  
Pete did and moved into the corner of the bed. He shut his eyes as he felt Mikey’s body lay next to him.

‘Don’t overthink it, don’t overthink it,’ Pete repeated to himself as he overthought everything.

Mikey was taking long deep breaths beside him. His breathing was almost shallow sounding, like something was stopping him. Pete realized how creepy it was to pay attention to everything he did. He knew he was so weird.  
Though Mikey looked asleep, his eyes opened when his phone went off. He grabbed it and started to read through it.

 

“Gabe had to go home. Something happened with his family.” Mikey explained.  
“Fuck. I hope things are fine.”

“We’ll check it out in the morning,” he yawned and put his phone down. “I’m worried,” Mikey added a couple minutes later.

“I am too.”

“I’m like- I’m really worried.”

“He’s okay… He’s Gabe.”

“Right. Right… He’s Gabe.” Mikey agreed with a sigh. Of course Pete knew he was still worried and anxious.

“Mhm. And he’s alright.”

“I’m mostly worried about the show… Midtown isn’t really- they’re not how do I put say it?”

“Not vibing?” Pete offered.

“Yeah. Did you notice?”

“Yeah. He didn’t look happy. He sounded- bored? I don’t know.”

“You’re right. I think he’s cracking,” Mikey sighed again and messed with his hoodie. He stretched over his chest before letting it fall back on him. 

“I feel like Gabe could crack at any point honestly… And that’s what people say about me.” 

“Me too probably.”

“But uh- I did have fun tonight. I missed goin places with you.” Pete changed the subject.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I’ll take you out more.”


	12. Beat My Head Against the Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ mentions of depressing thoughts, weight, and impulses
> 
> i lied and didnt update again. my bad. comment and ill post the next update please. i thrive on attention
> 
> title by black flag

Mental health wasn’t really discussed in Pete’s family. If it wasn’t something they could see or have a doctor diagnose as a ‘real illness’, it wasn’t real. To their bipolar son that was like a slap in the face.

Nothing really got his parents to understand how real his mental issues were. It just wasn’t talked about. Even when Pete had a break down that ended with him at the hospital, it wasn’t real. They just quietly nodded to all the doctors information and packed Pete up then brought him home. It wasn’t talked about after that.  
His parents said little about his attempt or any of the issues he had suffered. 

So if he had a problem, they ignored it.

 

“Can I please- please- please just stay home? I can’t do this today!” Pete actually cried out at his mom. He was in middle of a panic attack that had been keeping him up all night. Now he was crying like a six year old having a temper tantrum. There was just no way he could go to school.

“You- are- not- sick,” his mom spelled out like he was stupid.

“Mom, I need the pills. The doctor said so and all you have to do is pick them up. It would help!”

“Pete, you made it for years without them.”

“And then I almost died.”

“And medication would just fix that?”

“Yes, mom. That’s how things work,” Pete said angrily rubbing at his face.

“How many days have you missed?”

“Four I think.”

“Ugh- Fine. Stay. I want your room cleaned, that dog walked, and the dishes done.”

Pete nodded and mumbled, “Thank you.”

 

Pete’s head and stomach hurt because of the anxiety. Moving seemed to be impossible. He stayed in bed all day, laying in a sea of blankets watching a mindless show on his laptop. He kept his dog on the floor next to him along with the clothes and water bottles that accumulated. 

The chores were long forgotten since his parents weren’t going to be home until at least five. It was nice to just kind of be alone and relaxed. Pete was never relaxed around his parents. 

He only got up to go to the bathroom some time later. That resulted in him staring at his reflection for a long time. Dark circles made his eyes look even more sunken in and he looked thinner. Pete was never thin-thin like Mikey, but his face showed it when he lost weight. He wasn’t even trying to this time. 

And he just looked awful. Just- run down. 

There was a part in his hair where he had pulled it out. He didn’t remember when or really he did it, but he knew he tended to pull his hair out of anxiety or stress.

That gave him an idea.

It took him about five minutes to find the electric razor his mom used to use on him as a kid. Without thinking, he plugged it in and pushed it straight down the middle of his head. 

The three inches of curly, black hair he had fell to floor. It felt great. As impulsive as it was, it was good to get rid of something. It was a release. Like a quick high feeling Pete got when the music got louder at a show, or someone pushed him in the pit, or the first drag of a cigarette. And like his hair, that feeling was gone in a matter of minutes. 

That just left a mess. 

After he cleaned up the hair and the rest of the bathroom. His mom was going to kill him. His dad would probably say he looked respectable. Neither would care why he did it. Which was good since he didn't know why.  
Pete honestly didn't really care about his hair. Like most things in his life it was just there. But unlike most things, he had control over his hair. It was the only form of control he had.

-

Around eleven when Pete figured he was supposed to be in biology, Mikey text him. 

‘Are you okay?’

Pete didn’t want to text back. For whatever reason it just seemed like a lot of effort. But he had to say something. 

‘Just staying home’

‘But are you alright though?’ Mikey wrote back instantly.

‘Don’t worry. It’s fine.’ Pete said not wanting to lie. 

 

His phone went off three more times. It flashed messages two from Mikey and one from Gabe. He ignored them both in favor of getting his dog to lay with him on the bed.  
Mikey text him again and then Gabe did the same right after. That gave Pete a hunch that they were together. 

Mikey: i have to worry. you arent here  
are you sick? or is it a mental thing?  
pete?

Gabe’s message just said ‘where the fuck are you’ then he added ‘no really im worried seriously whats up?’

Pete text him back first and said ‘needed a day off. no big deal.’

It was like Mikey sensed that Pete was going to just lock his phone and ignore him. He text him right after his finger left the lock button.

Mikey: pete dont make me come over there.

Pete: im fine dont worry

Mikey: again  
no 

Pete: sorry. just not feeling up to stuff

Mikey: oh im sorry  
if you wanna talk we can later? maybe go see a movie or somethin

Pete: maybe depends on my parents

Mikey: right okay  
you could call me when im not working too

Pete: okay mikey

Mikey: im being pushy sorry

Pete: It’s fine. im just tired right now and mad

Mikey: still sorry

 

It wasn’t like his parents would know if he took Moz for a walk or not. Pete just felt bad since it had been a while since the last time he walked his dog. Sure he could be sad, but his dog couldn’t be.  
The walk wasn’t bad. Getting outside in the cold air was kind of nice. It cleared his head slightly and did calm him down.

Upon returning Pete had enough energy to do some stuff. He cleaned all the trash out of his room, stripped his bed, started laundry, and unloaded- then reloaded the dishwasher. That took about a two hours, so he still had time.

Not long after he finished, Mikey had posted a picture from the party they went to after the Midtown show. There was no reason for him to do it, that show was almost three weeks ago, but he did. Mikey had his arm around Pete in it and was flipping off the camera, looking annoyed. Pete had Mikey’s cigarette hanging from his mouth, a beer in his hand, and was pressed into the taller boy. Frank and Gerard were also in the picture, not paying attention to it being taken in the slightest. 

‘cigarette smokin catholic boys’ Mikey so lovingly captioned it. He tagged everyone who was in the picture, leaving out some people he must’ve not known.  
The first comment on it was from a guy named Heath that just said ‘new boyfriend?’. That didn’t really make Pete mad, it was just weird. He didn’t realize people that weren’t their friends thought they were together as well. 

Choosing to ignore the guy, Pete reposted the picture and wrote ‘don’t you know cigarettes kill people?’. He kind of liked the attention Mikey brought to him. Online attention validated him for whatever reason while real attention made him paranoid. 

 

Pete: im feeling better we can hang out

Mikey: RAD!

Can i get you in like an hour?

Pete: yes

 

He text his mom and said that he felt a little better. She didn’t ask, but he figured she’d update her. Adding that he also did his chores and was going to go work later, getting a ride with Travie, he sent it. It was a lie, but she didn’t care enough about what Pete did.

He changed into a different hoodie and jeans before going down to wait for Mikey. A minute earlier Mikey text him and said ‘almost at yours’ to which Pete wrote back ‘don’t text and drive idiot’.

 

Mikey gave him a shocked look that broke into a smile when he saw Pete. “What?” Pete asked, looking over at him.

“You look great like that. Your hair and- earrings?” Mikey asked, looking at them.

“Oh yeah. My hair usually covers them and I don’t always wear em.”

“You look really good. I might have some earrings that don’t fit in my ears anymore if you want.”

“Yeah. I just have to remember to change them before my mom sees.”

“But she’s okay with you having your ears pierced?”

“I got em done when I was young.” Pete shrugged.

Mikey nodded, actually focusing on the road for once. He glanced over at Pete at a light and asked, “What did your mom say about your hair?”

“Nothing. I just did it.”

“Oh… Uh- You doing alright, Pete?”

“I’m alright,” Pete said, not sure if he was lying to Mikey or himself, or both, “Why?”

“People don’t usually just shave their heads when they’re mentally stable.”

“What’s mentally stable?”

Mikey laughed, “Fuck if I know.”

-

“People keep calling me your boyfriend,” Mikey told Pete as they waited in the movie theaters game area. They had no money for games and were sneaking in a bunch of candy in every pocket they had. So they just sat and tried not to eat all of the popcorn Pete bought.

“Yeah. I saw.”

“It doesn’t bother you anymore?”

“A little… I uh- I’ve been researching stuff. I um- I didn’t really know there was so much to the- the LBGT? No. LGBT community. I don’t know. It’s uh- it’s new,” Pete mumbled, scratching at his neck. He had been meaning to talk to Mikey about his ideas or views.

“Yeah? That’s good that you’re having a change of heart… Any thoughts you’d wanna share?”

“Um- kinda? Like sexuality is weird and complicated, you know? I don’t totally get it. Cause like I like girls, but there are people who look like girls that aren’t. So it’s like odd. And like if I like someone who was a girl and then decided to be a guy, what would that make me?”

Pete wasn’t exactly using the right words in his explanation, but he meant well. And he was trying. That was enough for Mikey considering he never even asked Pete to do anything.

“I totally understand. It’s kinda cool to see you learn and change… What do you think of gender stuff?”

“Uh- I don’t totally get it, but like it’s interesting?” Pete said making Mikey raise an eyebrow, “Like- I think it’s cool that nothing is set in stone. It’s interesting that someone can change themselves and be completely different from how they were.”

“And you don’t think that’s like a sin or wrong?”

“No… Maybe. But it doesn’t matter. You’re put on the earth to live your life so if you’re not hurting anyone, do what makes you feel good you know?”

Mikey smiled and nodded, “That’s a great way of thinking.”

Pete shrugged awkwardly saying, “Yeah. I mean- it’s still not the norm - or maybe just not in my world, but I feel like the world is a lot bigger than what I’ve been experiencing… I mean that in the social way, not travel.”

“Yeah. I could help you try things… Tell me stuff you’ve never done.”

“Never been to a nonlocal concert- like a big one, or gotten a tattoo, uh- sober, I’ve never kissed anyone, I’ve never tried any drugs, um- I’ve never been to a rave which I just think are cool and Gabe wants to take me… Weird one, I’ve actually never been on a roller coaster.”

“What?”

“‘What’ to which one?”

“So many of them. But the roller coaster thing?”

“Oh yeah, no. My parents didn’t like those park things so I’ve never been. Or like on water slides or anything.”

“Wow. Remind me about that when it’s summer. I can take you.”

Pete smiled and nodded, “Well, I’ve actually never spent a summer at home. I’m usually at camp- expect last summer obviously,” he said without thinking.

“Huh? What happened last summer?” Mikey asked. He was playing with his lock and chain in a concerned way.

“I um- I was- look, you’re my best friend, yeah? So just like- don’t freak out or tell anyone.”

“I won’t.”

“I was in the hospital for a few months this year.” Pete mumbled.

“I- for what?”

“I have some mental stuff. I don’t know.”

“Oh. That’s why you weren’t at school today?”

“Yeah. Down day. It happens.” Pete shrugged, “And now I have too much energy… So I shaved my head.”

“I get that. Totally. It’s manic energy.”

Pete nodded and played with his hands on the table, “Yeah. Sorry.”

Mikey didn’t bother asking why he was sorry. He knew Pete had no clue why he apologized.

 

The movie wasn’t as scary as they wanted it to be. They did have fun sharing candy and making a mess with popcorn though. Surprisingly no one kicked them out, but Pete did start a drinking game for when they got shushed. His Red Bull went quickly.  
They were louder than the entire theater for most of the time. Usually that pissed Mikey off, but not when he was with Pete. Things were better with Pete. Everything was more fun and enjoyable. There was no real reason for it, but it was true.  
Pete made everything more fun.

 

“How many of those do you have?” Pete asked, watching Mikey change the plugs in his ears.

“Plugs or piercings?”

“Piercings.” 

“Uh- lips, septum, eyebrow, tongue; that’s five. Four in one ear, three in the other; twelve. Then my hips - oh and I forgot my other nose piercing- that’s fifteen.”

“That’s cool,” Pete said. He was laying upside down, hanging off Mikey’s bed as he spoke. He was starting to loose all his energy and needed to just do nothing.

“What would you get if you could?”

“I like- uh- is it weird to be straight and have my nipples pierced?”

“Not at all. That’d look hot. And my guy could do both real cheap.”

“I’m so impulsive, you shouldn’t tempt me.” Pete warned. He figured shaving his head and piercing his nipples in one day was a bit of a cry for help. Impulsive decisions were only okay in moderation. Probably.

“Just say the word, I’ll text him.”

“Next time. I don’t wanna see anyone else right now.”

“But you’re okay seeing me?” Mikey asked, glancing back at him.

“You’re you. You aren’t a stranger and you make me feel safe. And just- just better.”

Mikey could feel that warm him, making his face flush. Nothing was better than someone saying you made them feel safe and good. It was the best validation and coming from Pete, it was like a present. 

“Yeah, I get that.” was all Mikey said instead of everything he was feeling.

“I don’t know. I’m not feelin like I wanna see anyone or do anything right now, but I gotta. My parents will kill me if I don’t go to school tomorrow.” Pete said randomly in a mumble. He had started to chew on his hang nail again. It had to be bleeding at that point.

“Oh. That’s bullshit,” Mikey offered as support. He joined Pete on the bed, laying down next to him. "Stop that," Mikey said and took Pete's hand from his mouth. There was a little bit of blood on his finger.

“Sorry... And it’s whatever. I deal with it.” Pete shrugged. He hated trying to explain his family situation to someone who had a pretty okay family life. It made him feel pathetic. He wasn't some lost kid that just needed help, he was just going through something bad. Talking about it made him feel worse and better at the same time.

“I know. But ya shouldn’t have to. Like- your parents should support you and help more.”

“I’m fine anyway.”


	13. Break Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That is my favorite thing about him; the work ethic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> commenting = updates, friends  
> also like i should or shouldnt add william beckett to this?  
> and i didnt really proof read this that well so sorry

“Goddamn, Pete. You look hot like that,” Gabe said instead of the thing normal people say when they see their friends.   
‘Hi’ would’ve been just fine.

“Thanks.” Pete smiled up at him.   
He felt better for no reason other than the fact that he was still manic. After only getting about two hours of sleep, he showered, got dressed, had two cups of coffee, and then left for school.

“I mean- fuck. That’s a good look for ya… Whatcha think little Mikey Way will say about ya?”

“He said he liked my earrings and that I looked good with short hair,” Pete answered dryly. He knew what Gabe was hinting at and it was annoying.

“When did he say that?”

“Yesterday.”

Gabe looked up from his history notes to give him a look, “You were with Mikey yesterday?”

“Yeah?”

“Huh. Odd. Considering you didn’t answer me all day.”

“We were at the movies and then hanging out. Sorry. I didn’t get home till like almost ten.”

“Curfew is 9 though?”

“Told my parents I was studying with Travie.” Pete answered with a shrug, “They bought it.”

-

“You’re breaking Pete,” Gabe stated angrily to Mikey during class later on.

“I’m ‘breaking’ him?”

“Yes. He was perfectly fine being our favorite buzz kill and resident virgin, now he’s breaking rules and being weird.”

“He was like that yesterday. I didn’t do shit,” Mikey said, messing with the zipper on his (fake) leather jacket, “He’s being weird cause- Gabe, he’s just anxious. If he’s weird it’s not my fault.”

“Well, I’m blaming you cause someone’s gotta!”

“Okay…”

“So like- what’s wrong with him?” Gabe asked, figuring Mikey knew.

“Not sleeping, anxiety, depressed, and I think he’s havin an identity crisis. He was tellin me that he had researched LGBT topics and doesn’t completely understand sexuality.”

“No! There is no way Pete Wentz said that. No. I refuse to believe it.”

“Ask him. He told me. And he said that he doesn’t get transgender stuff, but he doesn’t care. He thinks as long as people are happy it’s fine.”

“That’s cool,” Gabe mumbled, scribbling notes down, “He tries. You know he does.”

“Yeah. Maybe we can teach him. Make him into a real person, ya know?”

“Uh huh... A real person who dates you?”

“Look, I want him to be happy. If dating me makes him happy then so be it.” Mikey said making Gabe laugh. The teacher shushed them, which they ignored.

“I think it would.”

-

Pete’s mom was incredibly unhappy about his hair cut. Much to be expected, his dad liked it. That didn’t stop his mom from sitting him down and giving him a ‘talking to’ like he was one of his younger siblings.

“You cannot run amuck and think you can do whatever you want, Peter.”

“I’m not running amuck, mom. I have friends now, that’s all. Most people my age go out everyday.”

“Yet I’ve never met any of these ‘friends’... Other than Travis, who I do like.” the way she said ‘friends’ was condescending like she thought Pete didn’t actually have friends.

“You judge people based on appearance. I would have you meet them, but you’d judge.”

“Why would I?”

“All my friends have piercings, and weird hair, and dress weird. But they’re good people.”

“I… I could try to look past that.” she said, not sounding convincing at all, “Why don’t you have them over? Your dad could make burgers or something. Who are your best friends?”

“Gabe and Mikey. They both don’t eat meat.” Pete sighed. 

“Then- what do you eat?”

“Pizza’s fine.”

“Okay. Then I will order it... I wanna see what kind of influences these boys have on you.”

“None. I’m my own person, mom. They’re good guys. They just have piercings, and Gabe is loud, and Mikey dresses weird.”

“Hm… What about their jobs? Families? Hobbies?”

“Ugh. Okay, Gabe works at a girl clothing store on the weekends, and tutors middle schoolers. He’s close with his dad, I don’t know what he does, and his younger brother, but not really his step mom and step sister. He plays bass in a band called Midtown and he uh-” Pete struggled to think of family friendly things Gabe did, “He’s a big animal rights activist.”

“Uh huh. And the other one?”

“Mikey. Mikey Way. He works at a music store and makes some money as a bassist in his band too… Uh- his parents are really nice and him and his older brother are close. His brother is the singer of his band. He’s nice. Quiet. Smart.”

“That sounds- nice… Everyone’s big into music, huh?”

“Yeah. They’re all into bands, punk stuff, that whole scene.”

“Oh. Interesting. Have them come over on Friday.”

“Okay. I’ll ask.”

 

Pete: my mom is being annoying and wants to meet my friends. Come over friday?  
Mikey: sure  
Gabe: i was planning on hanging out with you anyway  
Pete: cool. shes awful please try to dress like people  
like real human people  
Mikey: i dont know what any of those words mean  
Gabe: so like bra, fishnet shirt, and daisy dukes?  
Pete: awful

 

Mikey offered to give Pete a ride after school on Friday since they were going to the same place. Pete accepted, figuring he could give him some rules for his family. It did take Mikey a while to come out of the school.

“Sorry, had to change. Dress to impress and all that,” Mikey shrugged, pulling on his plain black shirt. For him, dressing down was just a plain black shirt, black jeans, and a black hoodie. (He didn’t have a lot of colors.) No logos, chains, spikes, belts, or patches, meant he was normal.

“Yeah you look great.”

“Think your mom will judge?”

“Just cause of the piercings. But you’re good.”

“Oh, okay.”

-

“Damn. Your house is nice,” Mikey sighed, looking around the Wentz’s living room.

“Yeah, thanks. Uh- boots.” Pete said then whistled for his dog.

“Oh, got it.” He took them off with only a small struggle. Luckily he finished in time to get an arm full of dog. “Jesus!” Mikey snapped, almost falling back onto the floor.

“He likes you!” Pete laughed.

“I like him too. There’s just- ugh- a lot of him,” he laughed.

“Mhm. Want a tour?”

“Of course.”

 

Pete made sure to take down any baby or embarrassing pictures of him before Mikey came over. He showed him around and pointed out every bible ish thing they had. Mikey just laughed and said, “That’s fuckin hilarious.” which made Pete hit his shoulder.

“Don’t swear. I have young siblings remember?”

“Shit, sorry. Sorry.”

“My god,” Pete shook his head and dragged Mikey down the hall, “And this is my room.” 

Plain. Clean. Very un-Pete. That’s the only way Mikey could describe it.  
Mikey walked over to the two holes in the wall and pointed at them.

“I’m stronger than I look,” Pete said and shrugged.

“Yeah. Damn.” he said, looking at the trophies Pete had, “What are all these for?”

“Baseball, soccer, uh- lemme look- oh yeah- swimming from last summer, some music thing. Stuff like that. It’s dorky.”

“Not really. Being good at stuff is cool. What instrument did you play?”

“Lots of stuff. Calernett when I was younger, but that’s for drums. I can do guitar and standing bass, so I could do electric too.” Pete explained. 

“That’s sick as fuck. You should drum for MCR sometime. We fuckin hate Bob.”

“Maybe. Your stuff is fast.”

“You could do it… Do you have a kit?”

“It’s in the basement. Ma doesn’t let me play if she’s home.”

“You could load it up and bring it to mine and play.” Mikey offered, “I wanna hear ya.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

 

Gabe was really late when he finally showed up. Apparently the kid he tutored was fighting with his mom. So Gabe took him for a ride to calm him down.  
He showed up right as Pete’s mom pulled into the driveway. Being the annoyingly nice guy he was, he carried her bag from work and asked her about her day on the walk up. 

“Peter! I’m home! And your friend’s here!” she yelled up the stairs as Gabe pet their dog.

“Finally!” Pete yelled back.

“Hey, I was busy, sorry. At least my excuse is good.” Gabe offered, making Pete hit him.

“Yeah, Pete, his little boyfriend is more important than us,” Mikey shot.

“Jerk. He’s a friend. And he was upset.”

“I thought you said you were working?” Mrs. Wentz asked, joining in.

“I was. I’ve been tutoring William for a while so he wanted to talk to me about getting bullied at school.”

“Oh. How old is he?”

“Just turned thirteen. First year of middle school is hard.” Gabe sighed.

“Yeah. Sucked for me,” Mikey agreed.

“Yeah. I feel bad for him. But I’m helpin him.”

“Mhm… Oh, hi, Mrs. Wentz, I’m Mikey, by the way,” he smiled, sticking out his hand for her to shake. She did and looked him up and down.

“Hi… Mikey.”

-

“My dad is a lot more judgemental and quiet about his hate. So just- don’t say too much around him.” Pete warned as they sat up in his room. Gabe was going through stuff because he wanted to and Mikey was laying on his bed playing with a Rubix cube.

“Gotcha. We’ll be normal.” Gabe said, poking around in one of Pete’s desk drawers.

“I doubt it. And- hey! Don’t touch,” Pete snapped, taking a notebook from Gabe, “You’re too nosey.”

“Sorry. I want something to do and your things are interesting.”

“Not really.”

“Well, gimme something to do.”

“Wanna do the kit now?” Mikey asked, looking up the toy.

“Yeah. Come on… I gotta ask.”

 

“Hey, ma, is it alright if I move my drum kit to Mikey’s house? I could play more there.” Pete asked carefully.

“Yeah. of course. Anything to get rid of the noise.”

“Cool. We’re gonna load it up real quick.”

“Okay, I’ll order soon then.”

 

It only took the three boys a few trips to get the drum kit in Mikey’s car. It was dusty and needed to be cleaned badly, but it impressed them.

“It’s better than some of the ones I’ve seen used at shows,” Gabe said, closing up the trunk of Mikey’s car.

“Yeah. He’s gonna play for My Chem,” Mikey announced happily and threw his arm tight around Pete’s shoulder.

“Maybe,” he corrected.

“Nah- I’ll make you.”

A car pulled into the driveway quickly, getting their attention. They were practically standing in the street just talking. The sound of the door shutting made Pete nervous, 

“That’s my dad.”

They watched as he walked over the group with a judgemental look on his face.

“Hey, dad. This is Mikey and Gabe.” Pete introduced nervously.

They both said hello and shook his hand. Mikey’s arm stayed around Pete the whole time. Neither of them noticed since it was just something they did. It was comfortable.

Mikey only removed himself from Pete when they went inside. Gabe noticed the look Pete’s dad gave him, when the other two didn’t seem to notice. So at dinner, he sat next to Pete and let Mikey sit across from them. Figuring it would be best if they weren’t close together again. 

Pete’s parents asked them about school. If they shared any classes, which ones they liked or didn’t like, and their friends.

“I only hate Ms. C, the english teacher,” Gabe said, rolling his eyes.

“Ugh- me too,” Pete agreed, “She doesn’t give real assignments, just busy work.”

“Yeah, like she doesn’t even wanna be a teacher,” Mikey added

“You do any sports?” Mr. Wentz asked, ignoring their conversation completely.

“No.”

“Not anymore,” Gabe answered.

“Why not?” Mr. Wentz asked.

“Too busy. With tutoring, takin care of my brother, and my band, it was too much.”

“Oh.”

-

“I don’t think he liked us,” Gabe said when they were back in Pete’s room.

“He doesn’t even like me and I’m his son.” Pete shrugged, making Mikey laugh quietly.

“He’s uh- he’s a very straight forward guy. Pretty serious and shit.”

“Yup. It’s awful. He’s gonna have so much shit to say about you guys later.”

“About how hot and perfect we are, right?” Gabe said with a dorky smile.

“Yeah. Let’s go with that.”

-

“Okay. Lemme have it,” Pete said, shutting the door behind his friends. He turned to his parents slowly.

“What?” his mom asked. She looked more interested in her mail than what her son was saying.

“What did you think of my friends?” he sat down on the floor in front of them.

“Gabe seems- sweet and caring. I like that he tutors kids, that shows he has good work ethic.”

“That is my favorite thing about him; the work ethic,” Pete laughed a little only getting a small smile from his mom. “Dad?”

“I liked Gabe too. He’s smart and rather funny.” his dad answered, surprising him. 

“Could do without the lip ring.”

“Okay. Good… And?”

“And?... Oh. The feminine one.”

“Mikey. And he’s not feminine.”

“He was wearing makeup,” his dad stated.

“I- he does.”

“He’s odd. Too many piercings. Kind of faggy a-”

“Dad! I- You can’t say that!” Pete snapped.

“What? Faggy? He is though.” his dad shrugged.

“I kn-know. Just- uh- it’s an offensive word. Feminine is fine. Just faggy is not. So don’t use that.”

“Okay. Your queer friend is very feminine, better?”

“I- I- okay.” Pete sighed, realizing he can’t change his parents with just one conversation.

“You two are just friends, right, Pete?” he asked, staring harshly at his son.

“M-Me and Mikey? Yeah. He’s my best friend.”

“But you’re just friends, right? I don’t want that lifestyle to rub off on you.”

“Are you asking me if I have a boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t. He’s my friend, dad. Just my friend.” Pete mumbled, shaking his head.

“Are they both- queer?”

“Gabe is bisexual and Mikey is gay.”

“So they like boys?”

“Yes, dad. Gabe also dates girls. Mikey just likes boys. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“There are things wrong with it. ‘Men shouldn’t lay with men’,” his mom said, paraphrasing.

“Technically that could be referring to man-kind so no one gets anyone.” Pete said and instantly regretted it, “Sorry. I was just- just- you sh-shouldn’t write people off cause their lifestyles are different. If I d-did that I wouldn’t have friends.” 

 

That’s when hell broke loose. The fight ranged from yelling about the bible to politics. All of it involved major homophobia and Pete wanted to scream so bad by the end. He fought tooth and nail to try to change his mom and dad’s mind. 

He just wanted to prove that his friends and a good percent of the population deserve basic human rights. So much of what Mikey had told him over time just came back to him. But after over an hour of fighting and Pete slamming his fist into the fireplace, his mom made them stop.

“That’s enough. I don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong. But Pete’s bleeding and you’re giving me a headache.” she snapped, grabbing Pete’s arm.

“Fine.” his dad threw down his paper and got up.

“Kitchen.” she shout-whispered and dragged Pete into the room. She stuck Pete’s bleeding knuckles under the faucet, making him hiss.

“Sorry. That hurts.”

“You’re supposed to be controlling your anger.”

“I lost it. I’m sorry.” Pete mumbled, watching the blood wash off his knuckles.

“I saw… You’re very defensive of Mikey.”

“And Gabe.”

“Mhm… Your dad said you two were hugging. You and Mikey I mean.”

“He had his arm around me. That’s all.”

“You like him?” his mom blotted his knuckles with a paper towel.

“He’s a friend.”

“It doesn’t answer it really. Do you like him, Pete?”

“Not like that, I swear.” Pete said, defensively.

“It seems like you like him. Just by how you act around him and such. Letting him touch you like that and all, it just seems like a romantic attraction.”

“It’s- it’s not. It’s friendship.”

“Keep it that way.”


	14. I Kissed a Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pete figures more things out, kisses another boy, and snaps.
> 
> Title: I Kissed A Boy- Cobra Starship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> also what up crew? been a hot minute. hope you guys are good. im like...  
> so yeah another chapter. a short one. its not well written either. youre welcome  
> drop me a comment  
> also do I usually put the title in the summary or in the notes?

‘Often LGBT+ kids raised in conservative households can end up with internalized homophobia.’  
Pete read across his laptop screen that lit up his dark room. It felt wrong to be doing such reading. He knew it was wrong, that’s why he waited until he was alone.   
He highlighted a certain phrase and pasted it into Google:  
“Internalized homophobia is defined as the involuntary belief by lesbians and gay men that the homophobic lies, stereotypes and myths about them (that are delivered to everyone in a heterosexist / homophobic society) are true.”

 

Pete never thought about that before. Yeah he didn’t completely understand his homophobic thoughts, but he had them. He had no reason other than he just thought it was wrong.  
It didn’t really bother him, but he felt like it should have. He saw Gabe kiss tons of guys and it looked normal. It almost looked fun- or nice- or something.  
It was just wrong.  
Right?

 

Pete drove over to Gabe’s without a warning. All he did was text him ‘what are you doing? Where are ya?’ when Gabe said ‘nothing at home.’ Pete started to drive.   
He had that weird feeling again. It was like he was hyper-aware of everything. The energy was back, just like the day Mikey explained manic anxiety to him. But he needed to talk. Talking helped.

Gabe opened the door in jeans, an old Cerebral Ballzy hoodie, and his glasses. That was his normal Sunday look when he wasn’t seeing anyone.  
“I figured you were comin,” Gabe said letting Pete follow him in.

“Yeah. I gotta talk.”

“Anxiety again?”

“Yeah.”

“Gabe! Are you gonna help me beat this level?!” Ricky yelled from the living room.

“Ugh- I gotta hang out with Pete. Can I help you later?!” he yelled back to his brother.

“Ugh- you suck!”

“I’ll buy you candy when I go gas up the car later.”

“You suck less.”

Gabe smiled to himself and waved for Pete to follow him. Which he did, dragging his feet slightly. They sat on the bed facing each other while Pete tried to think of what he wanted to say.

 

“Do I already know what’s wrong?” Gabe asked.

“Yeah… And I’m gonna sound stupid or hypocritical or just ignorant or- whatever.”

“You can’t sound stupid just around me.”

“You swear?”

“Yeah. You’re my best friend so I’m not gonna judge you.”

Pete took a deep breath and said, “I- I- uh- I’m not totally sure I’m against being in- being with a guy. Like- I don’t know anymore.”

Gabe’s eyes did that thing where they blew up larger than his face. He stared at Pete’s cringing face for a second then said, “So you like a guy?”

“No… I think I kinda like the idea of being with a guy. I think like- it looks normal and maybe- good?, but I don’t know. And like- I don’t know,” Pete struggled to get out. He dropped his eyes down to the mattress where his hands were gripping then releasing the blanket.

“Wow. Uh- Pete- uh- I never thought you’d be- changing this much. Fuck- I really don’t know what to fuckin say.”

“I don’t know what to do.” he stated slowly.

“Kiss a boy.”

“How? Where? And what happens after when I have a panic attack and he thinks I’m weird?”

“Okay, breathe, Petey. I can take you to this 16 plus club when they do a gay night thing. Dance a little, drink a little, kiss some boys- a little. It’s fun.”

“A gay club? Gabe- Gabe- I can’t do that.” Pete shook his head as he spoke. He still looked terrified.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how to talk to boys.”

“You don’t. The music's too loud for that. You just dance and someone will pick you to dance with. If it’s fun you kiss em.”

“I- Gabe- I’m not r-ready for that. I don’t even know if I like boys like that.”

“Ugh- Pete,” Gabe groaned slightly, moving closer to Pete, “You do. If you think you do, you do.”

“But I’m not sure. I really don’t know for sure.”

Gabe shook his head wishing he didn’t have to help Pete through this. But Pete was his best friend and he’s do just about anything for him. So he quickly grabbed Pete by the collar of his shirt and the gold chain around his neck, pulling him into a kiss. Pete made a quiet shocked noise against Gabe and shut his eyes.  
Gabe gripped his jaw possessively as he licked over his friend’s lips. Pete moved closer and shakily grabbed the front of his shirt. They were pushed against each other, sitting so close Gabe had to keep himself from pulling Pete into his lap. He had to remember who Pete was.

Actually, thinking about the fact that he had a little Catholic, church going, virgin in his bed, almost made him laugh. Gabe pulled away, biting Pete’s lip and making him whimper.

“Ha! So, your answer?” Gabe asked, laughing a little. He let go of Pete and his shirt, staring a little at the gold crucifix he had in his hands a minute ago.

“I- I uh fuck- I’m even m-more conf-fused now.” Pete mumbled. He resisted the urge to touch his sore lips.

“Yeah. Well, you’re a good kisser if it means anything… Judging by your face, it doesn’t.”

“No- it’s j-just. I’m n-n-not- I’m not supposed to like that. I’m not- Gabe, it’s not- fuck.”

“I know. I know,” Gabe offered and pulled Pete into a loose hug, “I’m worried about you.”

“I am too. Or- I’m worried about me.” Pete mumbled into Gabe’s chest.

“You liked it, huh?”

“Yeah. Too much.”

“Kissing boys is fun and good. It’s okay that you like it.”

Pete pulled away and scratched at his neck, “I don’t think it is.”

“But it is… You know I’m really religious too?”

“No?”

“Well, I am. Just I’m Jewish, so it’s different. There’s things Jewish people say about being gay too, you know? But my dad says the fact that I’m loyal still with the bullshit I get means something. It’s like a test of faith. You can be you and still keep your religion.” Gabe offered, “It’s just slightly harder.”

“I- thanks… Just- thanks.”

 

Pete was losing sleep. He didn’t really know how he could lose something he didn’t have, but it was a common phrase. So yeah, his sleep was lost or whatever.  
He would just lay in bed and watch through the window as the dark blue sky turned to a soft gray and then to light blue. Signalling it was time to get up and go through the day again. Some nights he gave up completely and wrote in his journal all night, read, or did more research on his computer. 

Basically his body was running on coffee or Redbull now. Pete remembered the doctor telling him that his bipolar depression messed up his sleep cycles. In the same way he had good and bad cycles, he had insomnia cycles as well. The doctor also said that the medication he prescribed would help his sleep cycles.  
But he wasn’t allowed to take it. So that wasn’t helping.

During the second week of little to no sleep, Pete had to do something.

“Mom, do we still have those pills that doctor said I should be taking?” Pete asked one afternoon as his mom set up Christmas stuff.

“I do, yes.”

“Can I have them?”

“You know we don’t believe in that crap, Pete,” she answered like it was obvious. The whole time she was staring at a box of ornaments that were more important than her son.

“But, I haven’t been sleeping and the doctor said it would help. Can I just try?”

“No. I’d have to talk to your doctor first and get a new prescription. I flushed the others.”

“I- ugh- can we just go see the doctor then?”

“No. You’re fine, Pete. It’s just the time of year making you all- whatever,” she gestured at him.

“No! No it’s not! I-” Pete yelled and trailed off. He took a deep breath as he tried to calm down. Much calmer he said, “I need the medication, mom. I’m not okay. I need help.” 

“Pete, you’re fine. It’s just a bad week. Relax.”

“It’s not just a bad week! Mom! Just- help me, please.” he begged as the frustration got to him and made him start to cry.

“Lord,” she sighed and put down the decorations. She grabbed Pete’s shoulder roughly, “Go for a walk and burn off some of this energy. I’m not dealing with this.”

Pete left after a shove from his mom. He just went down the street to the elementary school and sat on the swings. It was still cold even in his hoodie.

He hadn’t brought his phone with him so there was really nothing to do. Dragging his black Converse through the wood chips was about the most interesting thing he could do. He wished Gabe was with him- or maybe Mikey. Either of them would’ve found a way to make this fun.

Mikey probably would’ve smoked and made them listen to whatever songs he was obsessed with that week. Gabe would’ve sat next to him and actually used the swing like a child. They both would’ve had some type of advice on what to do. 

Without them, Pete had to think for himself. It made his mind drift back to the summer when he was first put into the hospital. At that point he hadn’t even done anything. His parents just found an entry in his journal that read like a suicide note. Pete was sure he didn’t mean to write it like a suicide note, but his therapist said otherwise. Of course he stopped seeing her after two months so he never got answers. 

It gave him an idea on how to get help though. It wasn’t a great idea or even a neutral idea. It was bad in every definition of the word. Pete was going to do it anyway. 

 

Later that night while alone he went to the bathroom to execute his plan. -His stupid plan.- He left the door unlocked and took a second to think of what to do.  
To avoid having his stomach pumped again, he decided against taking pills. Hanging himself seemed too risky and he had almost no other options.   
He went through the cabinet in the bathroom with a new purpose. Sometimes his dad shaved with a straight razor and that had extra razor blades with it.   
It wasn’t hard to find since his parents had no reason to hide it. Yet.   
He took a second to take a few deep breaths and stare at himself in the mirror. 

‘It’s a good idea. I need help. That’s the only reason. Just do one thing and I can get help,’ Pete told himself mentally. 

Giving himself a little nod, he decided to start. As if he needed permission from himself. He rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie and stared at his arms. Then he let out a breath that was quickly sucked back in when the blade ripped his skin.


End file.
